Month: May 2013

Glitch

Since the news of my remission I bought a camera, went rock climbing at Garden of the Gods, and visited our local zoo. I had a cupcake party with my family too. This all occurred over Memorial Day Weekend. Yesterday was the first day that I was home alone and it felt really uncomfortable. I actually felt guilty. I laid on my couch and thought to myself that I was given a gift and I am wasting it by sitting on the couch watching a Throw Down with Bobby Flay marathon. I felt guilty for being healthy and happy.

Seven months ago I put myself into a frame of mind that I would have to fight cancer for the rest of my life. Isn’t that what stage IV, metasticized breast cancer means? I conditioned myself physically for 7 months to fight. I worked out more, I already ate healthy but still found ways to eat healthier. Mentally I conditioned myself to fight. I became stronger than ever and never let anyone see me sweat, so to speak. I became rock solid for my kids. I never let them see me in any other way except a beautiful fighter.

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I found myself feeling guilty for becoming a survivor again. Why would I only allow myself to enjoy life when I think I might lose my life? That is faulty programming. That is a glitch. Some where down the line I decided that I was only allowed to enjoy life if I was in chaos. I would search for chaos, because that is what I knew, and find happiness in glitches. What in the world was I thinking?  I lived my life and became addicted to the chaos. As I look back, I can definitely see the high I would get from chaos. But, I thought chaos was happiness. In essence I didn’t even realize my life was so chaotic because my life seemed normal to me .

It goes way back too. I was afraid to show happiness in a life surrounded by unhappy people. It seemed that when I was happy these people would do everything they could to make me feel horrible and unhappy. Eventually, I started to confuse happiness with guilt.  GLITCH!! It’s almost as if people said through their actions, “How dare you be happy in a world of unhappiness,” or “How dare you be happy, when I am so unhappy.” Guilt was programmed in me when I started to feel an inkling of happiness.  I was programmed to believe that chaos is good. I was programmed to be happy in chaos and eventually I believed it. This was my reality for a long time. I am not a bitch, I just had a glitch.

The other day, I was reading a book that described how life can be like a roller coaster. Basically, life is enjoyable and fun. We are talking to our friends as we ride up hill, enjoying the anticipation of getting to the top. However, once over the top we start to scream and lose control. We aren’t even able to have a good conversation with the person next to us. For some of us we laugh uncontrollably, or even get sick. I don’t want to be on a roller coaster. I want a smooth ride. Life does not have to be a roller coaster as long as you are good to yourself and choose the right kind of happiness and choose to see Good Sparks!

I am deprogramming right now. It’s okay to be a two time survivor. I should not feel guilty about that. I shouldn’t feel guilty that God has brought me through tragedy to live a new life. I do not have to be constantly doing something to feel like I am honoring this gift. I can sit on the couch and be lazy if I want to. It’s okay for me to enjoy life when I’m well too. It’s okay to be happy that I survived and relish in this fact, which is what I am going to do. 

Please remember to be a Good Spark and…..

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What the….Miracle?

Still processing what happened today. I have to write it out in hopes to make some sense of it all.

The morning was normal. I got ready to go to the doctors. Sat on my bed and thought about how not to deprive myself of any happiness today. The beauty in the world will not escape me today. I talked myself into a place where I absolutely knew what my purpose is and that I still need to be fulfilling my purpose.  I finished getting ready, walked out the door, and hopped in my car.

While driving to the doctors, I caught myself sinking into fear. I told myself that I had nothing to fear but fear itself. Thank you Franklin D. Roosevelt. I kept asking myself, “What are you so afraid of?” I told myself not to be afraid because I have a long life ahead of me. I told myself that fear is only the enemy. I am a warrior!

That is me!

I drove into the parking lot, walked into the building, and up to check-in. Then I sat and waited on a couch. The nurse called me back to get blood drawn. As usual, this takes three tries. I kept my cool. I am used to it. The nurse called for my husband when I was done and we walked down the hall, turned left, and sat in room 15. This is the room that my doctor keeps a lot of pictures of his family. There are pictures of vacations to Niagara Falls; canoeing…He has four kids. My husband and I played on our phones. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, from nowhere, this song pops in my head.

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It’s all right.

All I could see in my imagination was a bright orange-yellow sun with very long warm rays beaming outward. Soon after, my smiley doctor entered the room. He is so awesome!

He asked us to pull our chairs up to his computer so we could read the results with him. He said that it was all good plus a slight curve ball, but it ends up all good. Of course, that is when I get that horrible feeling.  It is a very heavy feeling that just feels bad. However, my doctor is still smiling. He starts reading the results. The radiologist states that the scarring in the pleura lining is indicative of scarring from a pleurodesis and that according to the radiologist there is no active cancer cells. The swollen lymph node near my pharynx is gone. Then he said, “Here is the curve ball.” The scarring on one of my spinal discs shows that cancer was there, and now is gone. In addition, the scaring on my pelvic bone also shows that my bone has heeled itself from cancer. Huh??? Yes, not only did I have cancer in the pleura lining, I was actually much further along than anyone thought. The cancer had reached my bones.

Curve Ball. The only time baseball will show up on my blog.

Now here is the miracle. The cancer on my bones was too small to see. However, the PET scan sees the scaring from cancer easily. The scaring on my pleura lining could have a slight chance to be cancer, but they are sure it is not because it looks like scaring from surgery and inactive cancer. Honestly, they know what they are looking for. The only real way to know that the medicine works is thankfully, the scaring on my bones from the healing of cancer, which we did not know I had in the first place. I think that makes me a walking miracle. At least, that is what I am calling it.

 If I did know about my bones, I think I would have felt defeated. Is this God’s way of saving me from that? Um, YES! I would have freaked if I knew it was in my bones. I think everyone else would have too. Then…God answered a lot of prayers, because of the scaring on the bones we know that the medicine is working! Prayers answered!!!

To make a long story short, I asked my doctor, “Are you saying that the cancer is no longer active?” He said, “I am saying that the cancer is inactive and that is what we call remission. I told you that you had decades and I meant it.”

I know that I will never be cancer free. I will always have to take some kind of drug to keep the cancer from growing. It is a disease. I am okay with that. I am just so happy that those sneaky cancer cells died. I would rather be in remission than anywhere else! Thank you God for the Good Sparks in my life!!!

Then my doctor hugged me, told me how happy he was, and said we have known each other a long time and that this has made him very happy for me. I love my doctor!

The lyrics to Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles, it is very fitting. It really has been a long, cold lonely winter.

HERE COMES THE SUN

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It’s all right

Little darling

It’s been a long, cold lonely winter

Little darling

It feels like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It’s all right

Little darling

The smiles returning to the faces

Little darling

It seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling

It seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It’s all right

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun

It’s all right

It’s all right

 

Happiness IN the World

Something has bothered me for most of my life. I try to explain and never had the speaking skills to help people understand. I decided to write it in hopes that maybe I can help add to anyone’s happiness. I really believe that this is imperative to healthy and happy living. I am very passionate about this. I may even sound repetitive.

Please do not believe that happiness can only come from within. When I hear people say this I feel nothing but pure sadness for the person who believes this.

Happiness comes from God or your creator. You can be happy doing the things you love to do. There is nothing wrong with that and it is not pursuing a false sense of happiness. It is okay to look for happiness in things that make you feel good. If it feels good, it is from God. It is not a false sense of good. It is just good.

Happiness of Hiking in The Smokie Mountains

Happiness of Hiking in The Smokie Mountains

The positive, healthy, good things I do that bring happiness in my life are riding bike, hiking, walking, writing, reading, learning, swimming, yoga, church, crocheting, and photography to name a few. I enjoy many things that bring happiness in to my life including children and family. I always find happiness everywhere. This is very significant. The reason why I find happiness everywhere is that I believe God is everywhere. I do not believe that my creator only exists within my heart.

Happiness of Hiking all the way to the top of The Chimney Tops

Happiness of Hiking all the way to the top of The Chimney Tops

If I believed that happiness could only come from within, cancer would kill me. I find happiness everywhere. I choose to do things to add to my happiness adding to my overall health. Whether cancer or not, pursue happiness from within and in the world.

Your creator is everywhere. Therefore finding happiness is easy. Happiness is an experience that is in you and in the world. Your creator is in your heart and in the world. He is in the couch you sit on, the trees, objects, people, animals, hands, fingers, toes, EVERYTHING. Happiness is in ALL! That is why happiness comes from anywhere and anything.

Your creator is everywhere

Your creator is everywhere

Realizing that God is everywhere will bring happiness. Everything you do will bring happiness to you. God created all therefore he is ALL. Pursuing happiness inside of you and outside of you is what God wants you to do. He wants you to enjoy YOU, the world he made, and the world he continues to make. He makes the roads through the hands of construction workers. He puts happiness and love in everything. It is your choice to see that God exists in ALL. That is what he wants you to know. Your creator is waiting for you to enjoy everything. All you have to do is choose to believe.

Start believing that God is everywhere and become enlightened with love and happiness. Happiness IS beyond your heart, it is EVERYWHERE. Choose to see that good spark of God in everything!

for more inspirational blogs visit http://espsychics.com/blog/

 

Who needs procedures anyway?

The universe did not want me to have any procedures today. With all the changes that happened and the hoops that were jumped, when I look back on today, it was not meant to be a procedure day.

As of yesterday morning, the schedule was to have a pet scan at 8 am this morning and a thoracentesis immediately after. However, the PET scan services called me and said that the machine was down and they would have to push my appointment to 12 pm instead. The appointment for the thoracentesis changed to the morning.

At the hospital, I checked in to same say surgery for the thoracentesis. It is a requirement to be at the hospital two hours prior to having this procedure. After waiting 2 hours, the nurse took me to radiology to have the fluid drained. Once there I told them that after the procedure I am supposed to go to nuclear medicine for a PET scan. They called nuclear medicine because they wanted them to come down and inject me with the serum so I would be ready for the PET scan immediately after the thoracentesis.  This was an upset…apparently no needles or holes are allowed prior to a pet scan. The decision was to come back immediately after the pet scan to have the fluid drained.

 I am very tired today. I went to the Tom Petty concert last night. It was AWESOME! But, I got home late and I did not sleep well either. Plus I was hungry because I had to fast. When they brought me back to same day surgery, I slept for an hour and a half until my phone rang.  It was a call to cancel the PET scan. At this point, because I was tired, I started crying. I gave my husband the phone because I was so upset I could not talk. I laid in the fetal position on my bed as tears rolled down my cheeks. I just wanted to have all the procedures and go home. Was it too much to ask? Now All I wanted to do was go home. I was very upset.  That is when Ben, in his ever-calm way, said that we should not leave without having something done and that we do not want the whole day to be a waste.

 

Off to ultrasound I went for the thoracentesis. The ultrasound tech started to look for the fluid around my lung. She could not find enough fluid to drain. Huh? At that point, the whole day seemed to melt away and I had my answer. The medicine seems to be working. A choir of Angels sang in my head!!!

When first diagnosed with cancer in October, I thought allergies were the culprit to breathing problems. This time I thought cancer is causing the breathing problem and it really is allergies. So confusing.

This is how much of a difference there is from October 2012 to today. In October 1200 milliliters drained from around my lung. In December 600 milliliters drained. In February 600 more milliliters drained. Today, they approximated it to be around 125 milliliters and it was a month longer wait time between visits. I wish I had my phone with me because she showed me my lung in February and then showed me my lung today. There was a huge dark spot from fluid that is not there now. WOW, I was amazed. My lung is starting to look normal again.

Overall, this crappy morning ended up being quite a fantastic day. After that, Ben took me to Red Lobster and watched me eat 1.5 pounds of crab.

The PET scan is rescheduled on Next Tuesday morning with a different provider. That will be the real indicator of my progress.

My Friend Bertha

My friend Bertha is quite annoying. She shows up whenever she wants. It does not matter if I am enjoying a perfectly beautiful day or sitting on the couch watching TV. The shrew just shows up whenever she wants and just walks into my life as if she is the one in charge. I ask her to leave, but she will not. When she is around, she clings to me and makes me so uncomfortable. Everything is about her. She reminds me of that heavy feeling you get when someone you really do not like enters a room. She is such an evil shrew. I wish she would leave me alone.

Bertha

I have something she wants. Bertha is a thief and an addict. She comes into my life whenever she wants and takes what she wants. If you give her something in one hand, she will be steeling with the other, sneaky shrew. She steels something from me but does not even take care of it herself. She has no concept of what belongs to me and what belongs to her. She trashes everything. She does not care about anything. She expects me to take care of everything I give her. I do not know why she thinks I am her friend. I am seriously quite the opposite. I just deal with her because that is just who she is. Bertha’s addiction is out of control. The more she takes, the more she needs. Her tolerance is very high. She can be ruthless if she does not get her fix.  I bet she would lie to me if I let her but I know better to listen to her. I wish she would see that she does not need her addiction. She could choose to stop and be nice but she does not.

Bertha’s Sweet Addiction AKA Estrogen

Bertha keeps me up at night. She sits on me. She is quite heavy too. She pushes me repeatedly from one side to the other. I try to lie on my back and she pushes me to the side. If I am on my side, she pushes me to my back. She wants me tired so I give in to her addictions and thievery during the day. Bertha literally exhausts me. I swear she pinches me too.  Bertha is a bully!

Bertha the Bully

Ironically, Bertha teaches me so much. She taught me to reach deep within myself and find my inner strength and true potential. The gifts she gave me are countless. Bertha helped me find my inner beauty. I feel like I am shining. Her persistent negativity made me find positivity. I am very healthy because of Bertha.

Enough Said! 🙂

Dear Bertha,

I know what you really are. You are cancer. You will not take me.

Sincerely,

Jenny (your archenemy)

For more inspirational blogs by gifted people visit http://espsychics.com/blog/

 

Cancer is a crock of doody!

Cancer does not give you a free pass to skip every day matters. I am still a mom. I have to go grocery shopping. The house still needs cleaning and the laundry still piles up. I still work out. I’m still married. I still have a job. I still have wants and I still have needs. Taking care of everyday matters does not change. What has changed is that I get tired so quickly. My cancer-fighting machine is tired.

It’s cancer-related fatigue. It is not simply tired. It is an overwhelming emotional, physical, and mental fatigue. The fatigue lasts longer and 8 hours of sleep may not help. Sometimes all I want to do is bow my head and sleep like a kindergartner at a desk. I wish I were a kindergartner when life was easy.

Grumpiness sets in when I am this tired. I feel like I always have a tension headache. My patience is thin. I try to be a loving and caring person but sometimes, not so. My husband and children put up with a lot. Sometimes I AM angry because of cancer. I admit it; I think to myself, “If I just did a better job taking care of myself, I wouldn’t have cancer again.” Twenty-five percent of the time, I am not positive. I feel like an outcast. I constantly cough. My stomach muscles are rock hard because of coughing. I isolate myself from the world. I could be around a group of people and not say a single word. It is because I am so darn tired. Twenty-five percent of the time, I’m tired. It takes work being positive with cancer and it is not an easy job. That is okay because I would rather see the good sparks in my life than concentrate on the BS of cancer. Let’s face it; cancer is a crock of doody!

I had to learn to set new boundaries for myself. My boundaries are so tight that maybe, I am a better parent. I speak up about my needs. You could say that I changed. People do change especially in the midst of adversity. Has cancer liberated me? Cancer makes me focus on myself and take care of the emotional, physical, and mental me. I should have done that in the first place.

Yes, cancer is a crock of doody but I can deal with it. I keep doing the everyday things that everyone does and more. While I eat right, exercise, read spiritual books, enjoy my family, write, create, and do things that produce a sense of accomplishment I find myself happier in this scary time. If I can find beauty 100% of the time, it’s okay to be tired 25% of the time.

I can’t wait until bedtime. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I want some flowers.

Cause and Effect

I do not believe I am going to die anytime soon. However, having cancer brings me closer to my spiritual self. I learned a lot the first time I had cancer and I am learning a whole lot this time as well. Actually, the things I am choosing to be vocal about are all of my inner most moral values. The things I knew that already existed but I did not understand them. Lately, I am immersing myself in the Universal Law of Cause and Effect. Today on my bike ride, I rode by a yellow fire hydrant surrounded by white flowers. I do not know why but the beauty took my breath away. I made a mental note to drive back to that spot and take a picture.

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Nature wrapping beauty around a fire hydrant

It just hit a chord with me. Not saying a fire hydrant is bad. It does provide water and all. Nature seemed to make her way to an ugly fire hydrant and decided to make a pretty picture. Even though there is bad in the world, we can choose to see the good in everything. It’s like hugging your negative thoughts with a bunch of goodness. You can quote me on that.

This leads me to the topic that is on my mind. The other day I posted something in reference to Karma on my facebook page. The post resulted in a conversation of me trying to explain what I meant when I said, “Love cancels Karma.”

Allow me to explain.

There is a stigma in the Christian community that Karma is only bad. Actually, this is the same as “reaping what you sow,” and “what comes around goes around.” I often hear people projecting bad wishes on others, especially when someone has physically hurt or mentally hurt another. Then using saying’s like “Karma is a bitch” or “they’ll get what is coming to them”…This kind of behavior really sent me into a deep thought about spirituality.

Most of us, if educated in the public school system, learned the Universal Law of Cause and Effect. I learned about it in elementary school and then again in high school.  In school, they taught its application to science via Newton’s Third Law. However, the universal law pertains to EVERYTHING. Universal means it is applicable everywhere and in all cases. The Law of Cause and Effect means there is a ’cause’ which is our pure intention and an ‘effect’ which is the final form it takes. This means everything happens for a reason.

I will use me for example. I have cancer. I do not believe I did something horrible and therefore that is the reason I have cancer. I have cancer because of  low alkaline levels, stress, or genetics. Therefore, there is an imbalance in my immune system and it makes me susceptible cancer. Using the basis of the law, because I have a low alkaline level and I am genetically predisposed, I have cancer. However, my immune system does not know how to fight cancer on its own. Because I have cancer, I make positive actions to eat extremely healthy and stay physically fit to help boost my immune system. As long as I feel good, I know I am winning. I believe this way of thinking is allowing me to add beauty to my life. Cancer happens to me for a reason. I could even take it one step further by saying that cancer is a blessing in disguise because it helps me find my true self. There is a reason for everything. Whether shallow or deep, there is a reason. I bike because I love to feel the sun against my body. I swim because I love water. I eat healthy because I want to be as strong as I can be. I listen to relaxing music because my anxiety is through the roof and it helps calm my soul. The list goes on and on.

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Another scene from my bike ride

Newton’s third law of motion is also The Universal Law of Cause and Effect. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example jumping, you exert force on the ground, the ground exerts a force on which causes you to move upwards. Applied to self, a negative thought (negative energy) acted upon negatively, produces a negative reaction (negative energy) back on to yourself. In any case, there is an energy force. Everything has energy. Thoughts and actions have energy. Any type of force has energy related to it.

With all this being said. Karma, reaping what one sows, and what comes around goes around are all the same thing. There are two aspects to each, one bad and one good. When I posted on facebook that Love cancels Karma, I should have posted, a positive state of mind with the qualities of heart, love, truth, and joy cancels bad karma, bad reaping, and bad outcomes.

Imagine a Phillips screw. The center of the screw looks like a cross or deformed diamond. Each point has an attribute of a positive moral quality, for example: heart, love, truth, and joy. Heart means character. While using a Philips head screwdriver you make a circular motion clockwise (righty-tighty), the screw becomes grounded into the wood. The wood pushes back allowing the screw to be secure. The circular motion and the circle shape of the screw symbolize the positive state of mind. The inside (diamond) is our character when we maintain a positive state of mind. We stay grounded and our screw is tight (good values). Now imagine the opposite. The diamond points represent head, chaos, untruth, and hate. These are negative moral qualities. Turn the screw to the left (lefty-loosey). The screw loosens and falls out. AKA, having a screw loose. Negative moral character results in a negative reaction. Positive moral character results in a positive reaction. That is the Law of Cause and Effect, and Newton’s Third Law of Motion. There are two sides to karma, reaping what you sow, and the saying; what comes around goes around. Different religions call it different names and they are all based on the Universal Law of Cause and Effect.

Now draw an infinity sign with a screw (circle) inside each loop. The positive screw on the left and the negative screw on the right. Trace the infinity sign from left to right and think about the character one would have at each loop. To me, that is what being on an emotional roller coaster feels like. Always having a screw loose no matter how good you are. That is a very confusing state, never being completely happy.

In order to jump off the emotional roller coaster we have to choose a positive state of mind and to be enlightened, and be grounded. Then you will find yourself in a constant positive loop. Your karma/reaping/outcomes will always be positive. Isn’t that what we all want? Never being in a negative state of mind. This leads back to what I really wished I said on facebook. A positive state of mind with the qualities of heart, love, truth, and joy cancels bad karma, bad reaping, and bad outcomes. In a sense, we all need to be like the white flower immersing the negative with its beauty.

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When it comes down to it. We can be in control of our state of mind. If a negative thought comes to mind, by all means, do not act upon it. Think of the exact opposite. If something inside you wants something bad to happen to someone, the best idea is to pray for them or wish them happiness. Do not get trapped in the emotional roller coaster. Do not slip to the dark side. Be a Good Spark and may the force be with you.

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