Cancer does not give you a free pass to skip every day matters. I am still a mom. I have to go grocery shopping. The house still needs cleaning and the laundry still piles up. I still work out. I’m still married. I still have a job. I still have wants and I still have needs. Taking care of everyday matters does not change. What has changed is that I get tired so quickly. My cancer-fighting machine is tired.
It’s cancer-related fatigue. It is not simply tired. It is an overwhelming emotional, physical, and mental fatigue. The fatigue lasts longer and 8 hours of sleep may not help. Sometimes all I want to do is bow my head and sleep like a kindergartner at a desk. I wish I were a kindergartner when life was easy.
Grumpiness sets in when I am this tired. I feel like I always have a tension headache. My patience is thin. I try to be a loving and caring person but sometimes, not so. My husband and children put up with a lot. Sometimes I AM angry because of cancer. I admit it; I think to myself, “If I just did a better job taking care of myself, I wouldn’t have cancer again.” Twenty-five percent of the time, I am not positive. I feel like an outcast. I constantly cough. My stomach muscles are rock hard because of coughing. I isolate myself from the world. I could be around a group of people and not say a single word. It is because I am so darn tired. Twenty-five percent of the time, I’m tired. It takes work being positive with cancer and it is not an easy job. That is okay because I would rather see the good sparks in my life than concentrate on the BS of cancer. Let’s face it; cancer is a crock of doody!
I had to learn to set new boundaries for myself. My boundaries are so tight that maybe, I am a better parent. I speak up about my needs. You could say that I changed. People do change especially in the midst of adversity. Has cancer liberated me? Cancer makes me focus on myself and take care of the emotional, physical, and mental me. I should have done that in the first place.
Yes, cancer is a crock of doody but I can deal with it. I keep doing the everyday things that everyone does and more. While I eat right, exercise, read spiritual books, enjoy my family, write, create, and do things that produce a sense of accomplishment I find myself happier in this scary time. If I can find beauty 100% of the time, it’s okay to be tired 25% of the time.
I can’t wait until bedtime. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I want some flowers.