Since the news of my remission I bought a camera, went rock climbing at Garden of the Gods, and visited our local zoo. I had a cupcake party with my family too. This all occurred over Memorial Day Weekend. Yesterday was the first day that I was home alone and it felt really uncomfortable. I actually felt guilty. I laid on my couch and thought to myself that I was given a gift and I am wasting it by sitting on the couch watching a Throw Down with Bobby Flay marathon. I felt guilty for being healthy and happy.
Seven months ago I put myself into a frame of mind that I would have to fight cancer for the rest of my life. Isn’t that what stage IV, metasticized breast cancer means? I conditioned myself physically for 7 months to fight. I worked out more, I already ate healthy but still found ways to eat healthier. Mentally I conditioned myself to fight. I became stronger than ever and never let anyone see me sweat, so to speak. I became rock solid for my kids. I never let them see me in any other way except a beautiful fighter.
I found myself feeling guilty for becoming a survivor again. Why would I only allow myself to enjoy life when I think I might lose my life? That is faulty programming. That is a glitch. Some where down the line I decided that I was only allowed to enjoy life if I was in chaos. I would search for chaos, because that is what I knew, and find happiness in glitches. What in the world was I thinking? I lived my life and became addicted to the chaos. As I look back, I can definitely see the high I would get from chaos. But, I thought chaos was happiness. In essence I didn’t even realize my life was so chaotic because my life seemed normal to me .
It goes way back too. I was afraid to show happiness in a life surrounded by unhappy people. It seemed that when I was happy these people would do everything they could to make me feel horrible and unhappy. Eventually, I started to confuse happiness with guilt. GLITCH!! It’s almost as if people said through their actions, “How dare you be happy in a world of unhappiness,” or “How dare you be happy, when I am so unhappy.” Guilt was programmed in me when I started to feel an inkling of happiness. I was programmed to believe that chaos is good. I was programmed to be happy in chaos and eventually I believed it. This was my reality for a long time. I am not a bitch, I just had a glitch.
The other day, I was reading a book that described how life can be like a roller coaster. Basically, life is enjoyable and fun. We are talking to our friends as we ride up hill, enjoying the anticipation of getting to the top. However, once over the top we start to scream and lose control. We aren’t even able to have a good conversation with the person next to us. For some of us we laugh uncontrollably, or even get sick. I don’t want to be on a roller coaster. I want a smooth ride. Life does not have to be a roller coaster as long as you are good to yourself and choose the right kind of happiness and choose to see Good Sparks!
I am deprogramming right now. It’s okay to be a two time survivor. I should not feel guilty about that. I shouldn’t feel guilty that God has brought me through tragedy to live a new life. I do not have to be constantly doing something to feel like I am honoring this gift. I can sit on the couch and be lazy if I want to. It’s okay for me to enjoy life when I’m well too. It’s okay to be happy that I survived and relish in this fact, which is what I am going to do.
Please remember to be a Good Spark and…..