Avoiding the blog. That is what I was doing this past week. I would write but not post. I was hiding from the blog. I wasn’t feeling good about anything I wrote. I thought I was having a block. But, really what was going on is that I was avoiding myself. I would only be able to write if I wrote about myself. I guess I needed to teach myself a lesson. It’s not like I want to open myself up and become naked to the world. However, there is something inside me that is forcing me to do this. Who knows, maybe there is someone who needs to read what I have to say.

Sometimes, I’m a stranger to myself.  The blockage I feel is not really a blockage at all. It’s me getting to know myself and realizing that I’m not used to feeling good for long periods of time. I am normally happy, but I’m always waiting for something to go wrong. That is abnormal. Honestly, I should stop categorizing myself as normal and abnormal. There really isn’t such a thing. No one is the same, so there is no such thing as normal. Sometimes I wonder who in the world came up with all these words that categorize ourselves. Anyway, I’ve noticed that nothing has gone wrong for a while now. I’m finding that this waiting for something to go wrong is senseless. It really sucks to put myself in such a negative place. I’m starting to become more positive and am finding out positive things about myself such as wife, mother, friend, teacher, and athlete.

It’s been a rough and crazy ride. I’m sure I’ve shown more than enough of my back side. It’s not like I haven’t wound up falling flat on my butt. I made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I can’t even count. Honestly, they don’t matter because it is all unwanted baggage that should be left behind. The lessons learned are what I carry with me. That is what really matters. There is no past that I can see worth taking a long with me. Only life lessons and life lessons are not baggage. I definitely succeeded because I took my lessons with me.

Sometimes I just wonder why people are so hard on themselves. Why would someone tell themselves something that intentionally hurts their well being. It seems very odd to me. Even I have questioned whether I am a good mother. Who cares? I know who cares, me. I had this belief that others thought I was a bad mother. Sometimes I believe that I just can’t keep up with the standards. But those standards are my own. I think we all believe, at some point, that others portray ourselves exactly how we perceive ourselves. It’s really strange, you know and completely untrue. Girl friends tell me that I am a good mother and I would say, “really?, I suck at being a mom.” I would be extremely surprised even though many people have said this to me.  I am realizing that I am a freaking awesome mom. I always have been and I must stop questioning my ability as a mom. However, isn’t that one of the attributes that makes me a good mom? Motherhood is so confusing sometimes.

I’m so hard on myself. I am an over achiever. Which makes matters worse. An over achiever always wants to do better. That is where I get satisfaction. If I want to run a mile, I will run a mile and a half just to prove to myself I’m better than I thought. Therefore, this makes me competitive by nature.

Then there is my frustrated, anxious, quiet side. I make an anxiety/frustration bubble. No one can penetrate the bubble. I get anxious about dealing with things. I stay in the bubble protecting myself from outside negative forces. Sometimes I would like to pull my hair out because I get so frustrated. I can be such a loner. I end up finding unity in solitude, which can be a positive thing. Sometimes I will not answer the phone or re-schedule appointments to avoid being around people. I’m such a baby! I can jump to conclusion about the smallest things. Sometimes my anxiety/frustration gets the best of me.

I find solace in nature. I love nature. I actually feel really close to myself when I am outside. This is probably why I love riding bikes, walking and running, hiking, and taking pictures of nature. I am so happy when I’m outside. If I am cooped up, I am not living. If I am not living, I am  not happy. I have to “hug the trees’. Getting ‘outdoor time’ allows me to see people as they really are, I start to see me. I start to see every one and every thing as beauty. I am easily loved and love comes easy.

I’m still growing inside. Growing never ends. Learning never ends. I’m beginning to realize that I’m not that different from other people. We all have our weirdness and we all have our gifts and talents. I am starting to understand myself in so many ways. I’m grasping the fact that I’m pretty awesome. I’m a creative, intellectual, athlete who loves and cares for family and friends. Not to mention, I am somewhat of a warrior. Mental strength and focus are my best attributes. I’m always able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

tunnel

I wouldn’t change me for anything. I wouldn’t change my trials or my peaceful moments. I believe I’m right where I am supposed to be. No regrets. I chose to learn from every thing that comes before me and therefore I chose the right. Total happiness.

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