They say that we all go through grief stages in different orders. I know I was angry and I projected that anger at my family. The stupid part about this is that I was stupid enough to project my anger on my fifteen-year-old son who is already hormonal and angry. Now that is a lose/lose situation. It’s okay, I know it’s funny, go ahead and laugh with me. I would wake up angry at my husband and for that matter some other people. Anger takes control of your body so much that you lose the ability to think in a productive manor.
You know what else I did; I shook my fist in the air and looked up towards the sky, as if to blame God. Why would I do that? My heart knows that God does not create illness. God is a healer. Healers do not create illness. However, there were all those plagues in the Old Testament. However, then he also removed the plagues after some sort of repentance was made. He made every living thing. I cannot help it; I refuse to believe that God created illness. He created every living thing on the earth and very long time ago then gave man dominion over the earth. Man became worldly and stopped keeping dominion over the earth. Humanity stopped caring. Humanity polluted the earth. The pollution cause humans devolve and our DNA changed. I think a better way to put it is it broke. Humans are broken and it is our own fault. It is our own fault that there is sickness and disease in the world. It is probably why so many people want to live in communes away from society.
I bargained as well. My example of bargaining is when I started to believe I should have listened to the first opinion the first time cancer came back. If I had done the first opinion, I would not have cancer again. Also, I was in a lot of pain for a couple months before I called my oncologist. I thought it was from training for a triathlon. I finally called my doctor and he thought the same. I am sure it was because just three months before, I was clear. Just another reason I was mad at myself for not contacting someone sooner. If pain is persistent, does not go away, non-stop, it is time to have someone take care of you. It is time to remove the pain. Actually, that is probably a generic life lesson that can be applied to any thing.
I most definitely dealt with depression. It took me a while to realize I was depressed. A good sign that you may be depressed is the fact that you are angry at everyone and everything. My lesson from depression is that, depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is real and sometimes you just have no control; can’t get yourself into a happy place. It is completely responsible to get therapy and medicine.
Right now, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with reality. They say you can’t live in the past and you don’t know the future and you’re supposed to live in the present. The truth is; the present is reality. My reality is I have cancer for the third time. I know this is odd to say, but the type of cancer I have has the highest survival rate and the most medicine available. So, since I have breast cancer, I guess I am glad it is that one. Even though it seems odd to say, I am “glad” about it.
I am in shock. I am in denial, which means I am having trouble dealing with reality. Reality is the present. I am having a hard time living in the present and find myself in the future and that is a very scary place. I tell you what set this off just one hour ago. My husband and I were talking about our investment portfolio. We recently, decided to get it really straightened out and really understand what we will do with our money. First page your planning objectives; plan for a premature death, proper distribution after death, fund children’s educations, sufficient resources when retired, guarantee insurability for your children, allocate expenses consistent with goals, provide terms when needed for long term care. WHAT? Plan for a premature death? I’m already feeling bad about this. Going forward, I noticed the ages on all the graphs, going all the way up to 96+. I found myself looking at much earlier ages and it freaked me out. Why would I assume that my life would end 30 years earlier than my husband’s? Freaking Cancer! What is wrong with me? Am I in denial? I think so.
I am sure I am not at acceptance. It’s is because I am in shock. It’s because I am not calm about the situation. This cancer is completely operable. This means there are still many medicines that could work. God’s will that the one I am taking works. In the past, as soon as I started to feel better; first physically, then mentally. My faith changed and I started the acceptance phase and I became calm because my hope was greatly restored.