There is something I only think about when I end up with a diagnosis that cancer is back. Each time I come out of remission I think of my kids. Their ages are 21, 15, and 5. I think about them because they are the ones that are keeping me from giving in to the horrible disease I have.

I know what it feels like to lose a parent too soon. My fear is that my youngest will not remember me. Constantly wondering who I was, what I believed in, where I come from. Will anyone tell him the date of my birthday? I don’t trust that my in-laws will keep my name alive in my baby’s heart. My husband doesn’t talk much about feelings. I feel that he will shut down and my baby will have to figure things out on his own. I’m just glad that his brother and sister will remember me and tell him about me.

I know my two older children will hurt too. I wonder if their step-father will take care of them, even though they are not his children. Not that I don’t believe he wouldn’t. It just crosses my mind. I don’t want them to feel abandoned. They have been abandoned once by their own father, I don’t want them to feel like they are outsiders in a world of “steps”. Their own flesh and blood that is twenty minutes away, their own grandparents do not call them. It is like, out of sight out of mind. Occasionally, my daughter will get a phone call from a cousin. But she always has to make the effort to see them. They make no attempt to drive 20 or 30 minutes to see either of my older children. It is so annoying.

My daughter has a baby, my son is very active in band, and my baby is starting kindergarten in the fall. So my ultimate question is if something horrible happens, are my children going to be taken care of in a way that I would approve? Free to be themselves, free to take the part of me with them and know that it is okay to be spontaneous, free spirited, to love deeply, to not be discriminated because of their own thoughts and feelings, to not have their free will taken away from them. Free will is a great gift that others should never completely control in children or anyone. I want them to be able to speak freely about their thoughts and feelings without someone telling them they are wrong.

I gave my children to God. I am scared, even so I feel I will survive, I still give them to God. I gave them to God a long time ago because I want them to keep the faith and know that it is okay to be themselves..

It is going to be okay. I really feel like it will. I’m not trying to convince myself, I really feel that I will live much longer because I have an important job  to do. To change the world, one person at a time. To live harmoniously, to live life, to remain free spirited, and to be a walking miracle that can profess that God is real and loves each and every one of us. Finally, tell people the fullness of the Gospel and to give them a renewed love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am the Lotus Not The Muddy Pond. I can rise above the sickness and bloom into a beautiful flower full of light.

By the way I Am The Lotus Not The Muddy Pond is a great book you can buy on Amazon.