The chemo pills make me feel wigged out. It is as if for the first 4-7 days on, I am fine. Then all of a sudden I am wigged out. Like I am withdrawn from the world, kind of like withdrawals from life.
Then I stop taking it and I feel fine for 3-4 days.
Then I feel like I am in withdrawals from chemo and I get wigged out. Like everything hurts, my eyes feel like they are popping out of their sockets, and my hair stands on end….wigged out.
I don’t know how long I can keep this routine. I am lucky to get 6 good days out of this 21 day cycle.
Then I think this cell eating medicine is making me sick and better at the same time. Isn’t therapy supposed to be a good thing? Yes. So putting chemo with the word therapy is really weird. Because chemo sucks and that means I am getting suckytherapy and that my friends is an oxymoron.
I guess chemotherapy is a blessing hidden under an oxymoron. At least, I am getting better and that is definitely a blessing.
I do not want to start again on Monday, but I will. Because I still have a will to survive and I have a bunch of stuff I have to do. Anyone want to bike across a state with me?
I can’t wait to take hormone therapy and that is weird to say.
Getting out of your head really helps you get into your heart.
In the second week of chemo (last week), I am in such a fog, I try so hard to think. I am a thinker and when chemo affects my brain, the effect is a constant headache for 7 days due to trying to remember what I was just thinking about. “What was I doing? What was I saying? What was I going to do? Where am I going?” I find myself in the middle of a room not knowing what in the world I am doing there. It isn’t like if I walk around for a couple of minutes and retrace my steps to jog my memory and the thought comes back. It just disappears.POOF! It is gone. I don’t remember the thought ever again. So, I have learned to write everything down, before I move from any spot to another. I have a blog, this page, and a stack of spiral notebooks. It is crazy how much I write lately. My thumb and wrist hurt so bad when I write and when I type my finger tips get all weird feeling.
As I was saying, getting out of your head and into your heart makes you feel better. So in the second week of chemo, I am unable to connect the two together unless I write it down. Then all of a sudden, I end up having all these really, really, really deep thoughts. I think the combination of chemo and just wondering when life will end makes me “see” things that others may not see. I think some are born to know things, and others need experiences to know things; that would be me.
Anymore, I see so much. I feel as if I am looking at the world as I did when I was 3. I feel like I am turning into a child. Perhaps maybe, a child of God. Even though, I already know I am. However, I am really feeling the effects of being a child of God. The good parts of the world are popping out at me, right into my face. I smile more.
There are butterflies everywhere, trees swaying in the wind as if they have something to tell me. Plants growing. Everything is synchronized for the greater good. It is as if a tree catches a bird because there is a place to rest. The tree and the bird pull together to relieve loneliness and to give rest. Everything works together. Synchronicity.
You know what the Good Spark is? It is the spark that gives a good idea after a moment of peace. So the more peace I have, the more sparks I get. The more I change that spark to a good spark, the more I build upon good experiences. It is a thought processs.
There is no reason to build upon bad experiences a.k.a. hold grudges, hold judgement or whatever makes me feel bad. There is every reason to build upon happiness and to become synchronized. That is what a good spark creates love and happiness. It is a natural way to create synchronization. I can do this (emphasizing the I). YOU can do this too. The only requirement; I have to love myself. If I cannot truly love myself, I am not synchronized. If I try to spread happiness when I am not synchronized, I am really not spreading true happiness. All I can do is spread happiness with an agenda. In the end, that is NOT a Good Spark.
I’m glad I am chemo free for the next week. My head feels much more clear. Have a nice day. ~Jenny
P.S. This is a great video.
I am trying so hard to write what I really want to say.
It is hard because caring causes anxiety. I realized, I care too much, actually everyone cares too much. Caring too much essentially leads to being full of worry and angst. All that leads to is stress. Everyone is stressed out and getting sick. It really is true. Without care society would die or would it live?
I want people to realize to be carefree means that you have to go back to the nature of all things. The definition of the word care has some how evolved in to a word and a feeling that is good. That is backwards. Care involves serious attention, anxiety, and worry. Is that how we really want to feel? Is anxiety and worry the new norm?
The word caring is to feel concern. Now, don’t get me wrong some things need care. But if we all care too much it becomes counter productive and every one starts running around like a chicken with its head cut off. (I saw this in the Army, the chicken is really running in a bunch of directions without a head.) That is what caring too much does. You lose your mind, you lose your team spirit.
Whatever we think, whatever our words, and whatever our actions, we effect all of nature. It isn’t an entity that is responsible for taking care of the earth and its inhabitants, it is humans. Not the government (lets have war to boost the economy), not Monsanto (lets make gmos), or a factory (lets use toxins to clean the emissions the factory produces). It is our responsibility to take care of earth. Care is a trap, when misused to the extremes. The government cares because it is broke. Monsanto cares because they want money. The factory cares because they want money.
What needs to happen is we all need to be carefree and take a break. To become carefree is to be without worry and anxiety. The only way we can become care free is to allow nature to take over. Stop polluting the your air and your body with chemicals that confuse and manipulate your mind and body. How are we supposed to function properly when we are killing nature? How are we supposed to be natural when we let nature die? Open your eyes and remove pollution from your body, mind, and spirit. Just be carefree. Allow nature to live properly, accept the responsibility of allowing nature to live, let worldly matters die. The earth and the inhabitants are dying because of too much care, anxiety, worry, and stress. Be carefree and prune nature so you can grow and the earth can live. Your care will become carefree and that is freedom. So yes, the world will survive without care and worry and stress. Nature, with freedom, will thrive and live better than ever before.
Before there is a spark, there is a void. The good spark is the good thought after the void and before creation. The good spark involves feeling a need for a change. The good spark is not a creation. It is the good feeling we get before a good idea. We are made to feel first then react. It is the ignition switch to create. Without silence/void, there cannot be thought. That is how we move between thoughts, by the instance of a void.
Read Genesis 1:2-3
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
Silence moved God, God noticed it was dark. Before God made light, God thought, then said let there be light. The verse makes it seem that God doesn’t think. However, God does think. God saw something dark and made it light.
Another instance that we humans are in the likeness of God. Not only in spirit but how we think as well. God is good so naturally God made light and saw it was good. Then rested, the silence before his next thought then creation.
There is a void between every thing that happens in the universe. Silence first, then thought, then creation.
What you do with the Spark is what matters. That is your freewill. Get comfortable with the void, feel it, be moved, accept the void. Get to know peace and know God loves thinkers. Then release Good Sparks/thoughts, then create with actions/words, and watch your creation of “Good” spread.
I am having trouble with what to write for the past couple of days. Sometimes, it is really hard to stay positive and that is what this blog is all about. You know?
The other day, I caught myself day dreaming. My thought was, “What if cancer is just a really bad strain of the flu?” “If it is, surely there will be a vaccine for this in my lifetime.” Sigh.
Chemo makes me so tired at the end of a cycle, it changes my brain. I’m in a day dream fog. Just three more days. Lesson learned the past couple of days; do not plan anything because more than likely there will be no energy to do anything.
Oy vey (hitting my forehead), I have an appointment at Bob’s Gym tomorrow morning for a fitness review. (Sucking it up) I’m still going. I need motivation.
I am unmotivated and that drives me crazy, I have to remember not to expect a lot out of myself during the second week of chemo. One step at a time, one step at a time, one step at a time. I am being forced to slow down. If you know me, you have to know that I am going crazy under my skin!!! I think I am going to scream in my pillow now. Sickness makes you get to know yourself in ways only a survivor can understand. Just three more days.
Here is something positive. I read in a book called A Year of Living Biblically.
Get it? It is how to pray or meditate or whatever. This book is both hilarious and honest.
Hugging myself and sending hugs to you.
Just wanting to get a thought written down. So far, as far as I can see, spirituality has a lot to do with trust. I hear many “religious” people say that all I have to do is trust in God. Ok, I trust in God.
I don’t believe I truly understood the deeper meaning of trust. Spiritually speaking (not religiously speaking), all of us have the spirit of God in us. If we stop trusting someone, logically, we are not trusting God. So when I have harsh feelings towards someone, honestly those harsh feelings I have are truely against God. If I am mad at someone, it isn’t about the person, it is me being mad at God. It is me wrestling with God. When I am at odds with any person, I am at odds with God, not the person.
God lets people act the way they want, that is freewill. God lets everything happen because we have freewill. What I have to remember is not to let someone’s freewill get to me because no matter what; a person houses the spirit of God. However, if I am in any kind of conflict with a person, the way to stop feeling conflicted, is to tell God that I am sorry that I fought against him. My freewill, when it is goodwill, is in line with the will of God. That is where freedom lives.
I know how to beat cancer. It is about pushing yourself farther than you can imagine. It is about pushing the pain away. It will make all your muscles hurt. It is about making your body hurt more than cancer can. It is about fighting 24/7.
Cancer is very sneaky you don’t know when it creeps in. However, when you find out it is there, there is no time for sleep, there is no time to play. There is a time for rest and at rest is when you are at your best for fighting. So even at rest fighting is still happening.
Then eventually it starts to hurt. Hurting is the beginning of healing because you begin to do something about it.
Think about it. When a cut heals doesn’t it start to itch? When you fall and bruise your knee doesn’t it hurt? Bruising is part of the process of healing.
Hurt in any way, gives yourself a new power. The power to heal. Healing is power, God’s power. We all have to hurt to understand the love of God. Some of us just get hurt more than others because they were sent here to learn harder lessons to prove the love of God. To prove miracles exist.
I am in pain. The pain reminds me I am alive and I am healing. Sometimes it takes others longer to heal. The more similar experiences you have…the more intense the healing process is.
All you have to realize is you inadvertently took the wrong path. Change is what kills cancer. Change your path/attitude and remember your purpose.
Being on the wrong path increases the intensity in your life because you keep searching for something you can’t find. Truly accept the God of love and what power you have then, make a change. When this is done, you begin to heal faster and stay healthy longer both physically and spiritually. ~ jenny