Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The five stages of grief. This is what happens with a diagnosis of cancer, except it never stops. As long as you are fighting, the five creep in and they never stop rotating in no such pattern.
Living with cancer is like living in a constant near death experience. It isn’t all bad, but when you are in this state, you begin to see the true colors of every one around you and all you want to do is tell people that they are not who they think they are. People hold on to experiences as if it is their identity, never understanding to let go. Never realizing they are for more bigger than they are. Yes we are one in a trillion, but not in the sense of who we really are. When the mistakes and the choices, whether good or bad, are peeled away, we are all the same. Just a temple holding a spirit inside.
The one thing that is scary about living like this is you can see a persons true colors. How they have let this world mold themselves. There are some beautiful people in the world and there are some very dark people. Those dark people are the ones that need a person who understands the strength of weaknes. They need to know the truth. They need to come off their soap box. They need a person who knows that there is more than this life. They need to know that their darkness and weakness can be turned into their strength.
I may sound crazy, but things are revealed to me that only a few will see. I get very freaked out so freaked I have anxiety attacks. I find myself thinking I would be better off out if this world about 5% of the time because I can bear witness to the beauty that awaits. 95% of the time I feel that I need to be here because I have to tell and help people remember where beauty resides. Some of you already know, but others do not. I want to be here to share my testimony. That is what keeps me going and of course my family.