One thing I learned from basic training; when I reached muscle failure, I was able to focus and moved forward. I learned to mentally focus on the finish line. I learned that quitting is not succeeding. Whether I hated the pain or not, I never quit and new that the end is ‘somewhere down the road’ whether I could see it or not. I learned that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even in complete darkness. Somewhere there is an end and another beginning. Once you get through the trial there are many other doors opening to another adventure. All of this; is about never quitting, never giving in. The very second you quit, something takes over and you become part of the problem and you lose the ability to become part of the solution. You become the sickness and lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Be the warrior, the soldier, you were meant to be. Forging forward in this world, never quitting, until your mission is complete.
My last appointment with the oncologist was good and bad. The cancer is shrinking to the point that it is hardly visible to the naked eye. The Xeloda (chemo) is working. No swollen lymphnodes either. BBBUUUUTTTT, for some reason I have a mass (a mass, not a tumor, not a lesion, an unknown mass) in between my heart and my right lung and NO ONE absolutely NO ONE can figure out why since the chemo is working. They also can’t figure out what it is attached to because a catscan is in black and white. If the chemo works on the liver, it works every where. My bones are stable. No growth there either. So why the mass? I have a petscan on Wednesday. If it lights up, bad. If it doesn’t, good. But, then how do we get it out. It is in a tricky position. Mind you, I’ve had a pericardial effusion and a pleural effusion. I could have a pocket build up. I’ve also read that chemo can cause fluid build up, maybe I need to stop taking it. There are so many unanswered questions, and when this happens, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to give in to this. I know that the end of the cancer tunnel is coming soon and I know that I will be in the light and open a door that allows me to work on my mission, I will open another door. I will stay positive and finish this blog on Thursday, when I get my results. Until then, I will keep praying and I hope you do too.
Happiness is living the life. Happiness is acknowledging rewards or blessings. Happiness is more than existing it is connecting. Connecting with the greatness in everyone and everything. It is what I give to myself and others. Happiness is rewarding. Happiness gives me the ability to know my blessings. I will not exist and be satisfied, I will awake and be happy. I will enjoy life. I will take control of myself and give myself happiness. When I give myself happiness, I can give happiness to others. When I love myself, I can love others.
I am in between my 8 and 9 round of chemo, 2000 mg a day (this is a lower dose than usual and I was started on 3500 in the beginning as the doctor was shocking my system. He is an awesome doctor). I had a partial hysterectomy 6 weeks ago.
Anyway, I think I have symptoms of hearing loss. My ears are constantly ringing too. I do have allergies, but this is different. The ringing changes in frequency. You know how your ears don’t work as well after an AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Robert Plant, Ozzy, Rush, or Grateful Dead concert. I’m sure there are more, you get the point. Although, it also sounds the same as the time I shot my M16 and failed to wear ear plugs…woops.
I have a sever joint pain. Every one of my joints throb. The kind that makes me think it could be rheumatoid arthritis. My muscles hurt horribly. I have side pain and also upper abdominal pain. The pain that makes me want to start self diagnosing myself on WebMD.
There are times when I cannot sit still and have no energy to move. Yet I press on through the Little House on the Prairie marathon. Which is everyday on the Hallmark Channel.
It appears that I lost my finger prints. I’m sure my toe prints are missing too. I haven’t checked although I will not doubt myself. My oncologist told me I could rob a bank and they would never get my finger prints. I assured him I would never do this.
My lower back hurts. My hips hurt and the psoas. However, today when I was working with my trainer (who is also my friend), while laying on my back, doing hip thrusts, it donned on me. It has been a long time since I had sex. That was funny…. and not so funny at the same time.
My neck hurts it causes headaches and it seems to be connected to my ears. You know how your neck hurts from head banging and dancing in mosh pits? That is the kind I hurt I mean.
I was craving Buffalo Wings and potato chip chocolate and rocky road chocolate. I actually waited in town, pretending to have an errand to run, until Buffalo Wild Wings opened. I ate 5 of them on the way home.
All of these things remind me, on a daily basis that I have metasticized breast cancer. That is one of the hardest things to get anyone to understand; that I feel like all of the pain through out my whole life, encapsulates my body and I suffer from pain without end. I have to write about this because if I don’t, I will go crazy on all the people who are failing to understand this. This is the type of pain that starts with the first diagnosis. This gradually, gets better over time, but it never completely goes away. This is the pain I feel.
I understand that I have tons of blessings too. But, is it so hard to realize that I have trouble seeing them? It’s not that I just scraped my leg on the path to my elementary school, or my dad died when I was 7, or hit my head on the ground, on a cast iron stove, the end of a balance beam, soccer balls, or at the bottom of the pool. It isn’t that I didn’t go through all that normal teen stuff. But, For crying out loud; my dad dies, all of my grand parents die, no to mention a wonderful cousin. I got a lovely divorce too. Look what I just wrote…see how hard it is for me to see my blessings? I am so darn sensitive that I am off the Richter scale.
I do know my blessings. All of the above is relative. They are things I hardly ever think about. It is because it is not me. Yes, my experiences mold me and it is possible to make the wrong mold. However, I can change my mold. I can change my spirit. I learned that unhappiness does not matter. It is not what happens to me, it is what I do to make life happen for someone else.
This is who Jesus turns me into. Into a loving, caring, giving, inspiring, smart, beautiful woman. I changed the mold because I choose the right. I choose Jesus because he chose me first. Jesus gave me the best option and I took it immediately. There is nothing like knowing who you are, where you come from. and what is your purpose. There is nothing like truly seeing people for who they are. It is a gift. There is nothing like truly seeing who I am.
This is why I am still okay. It is because I understand the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I entered into a covenant with my Heavenly Father. I believe I will not parish because I believe Jesus truly died for all of my sins whether I remember them all or not. And as long as I repent for everything that understand I was wrong, I will have everlasting life. Because I know this, I can live life to the fullest and not have fear of the world. I will fail and I will repent, therefor I will be saved.
This is what gets me through my days. It is strength, courage, love peace, patience, hope, and most of all faith. Faith in Jesus and faith in myself. This is working for me. It requires a lot of support. It requires letting the bad go and stepping into the light, Then keeping it for as long as you can. It is work. Life is not for the weak. Especially with cancer. However, I know it could be worse….there could be starving children in China.
I know that one day I will die. I seriously doubt it will be from any type of illness or disease. Which means all this exercising and eating right will pay off and I will be very old when I die. It means that my prayers are being answered according to my faithfulness. Those with great faith have great lessons. This was a great lesson. What a ride.
Scans are finished. I only got stuck twice. It was a miracle. The whole time I recited in my head…Faith and Hope, Heavenly Father and Jesus, Strength and Well. Over and over. I am feeling positive.
I learned from a very smart man that everything I am doing is good for me and that I should not question myself or let others tell me otherwise. My choices are for the betterment of my life even though someone else may not do the same as me.
The one thing you definitely learn from cancer is that you become a master of how your body functions or malfunctions. You become a master at what is best for you. You remove others in your life that won’t allow you to be you. Your quality and quantity of life becomes more important than anything else. You become aware of the difference between being satisfied and being happy. You become a master of strength. These are some of the greatest gifts.
I got some cupcakes and now it is time to rest.