One thing I learned from basic training; when I reached muscle failure, I was able to focus and moved forward. I learned to mentally focus on the finish line. I learned that quitting is not succeeding. Whether I hated the pain or not, I never quit and new that the end is ‘somewhere down the road’ whether I could see it or not. I learned that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even in complete darkness. Somewhere there is an end and another beginning. Once you get through the trial there are many other doors opening to another adventure. All of this; is about never quitting, never giving in. The very second you quit, something takes over and you become part of the problem and you lose the ability to become part of the solution. You become the sickness and lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Be the warrior, the soldier, you were meant to be. Forging forward in this world, never quitting, until your mission is complete.
My last appointment with the oncologist was good and bad. The cancer is shrinking to the point that it is hardly visible to the naked eye. The Xeloda (chemo) is working. No swollen lymphnodes either. BBBUUUUTTTT, for some reason I have a mass (a mass, not a tumor, not a lesion, an unknown mass) in between my heart and my right lung and NO ONE absolutely NO ONE can figure out why since the chemo is working. They also can’t figure out what it is attached to because a catscan is in black and white. If the chemo works on the liver, it works every where. My bones are stable. No growth there either. So why the mass? I have a petscan on Wednesday. If it lights up, bad. If it doesn’t, good. But, then how do we get it out. It is in a tricky position. Mind you, I’ve had a pericardial effusion and a pleural effusion. I could have a pocket build up. I’ve also read that chemo can cause fluid build up, maybe I need to stop taking it. There are so many unanswered questions, and when this happens, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to give in to this. I know that the end of the cancer tunnel is coming soon and I know that I will be in the light and open a door that allows me to work on my mission, I will open another door. I will stay positive and finish this blog on Thursday, when I get my results. Until then, I will keep praying and I hope you do too.