For those of you that don’t know, I ended up beating the first breast cancer. It started in 2001 and ended in 2014. When I found this out, I also found out that I had a new tumor and a new breast cancer. So now I am starting over. I had a port put back in, after not having one for 12 years, and I recently have started a new type of IV chemotherapy for the type of breast cancer I have. You are now up to date.
Dear Good Spark,
This week was really bad. I am pretty sure that I convinced myself that I was going to die, and die soon. I fell into a very deep depression. It hurt my whole body. It messed me up really bad. I started thinking about what life would be like, on earth, without me. How everything would just continue except, I would not be here. I imagined the grief that my children, husband, family, and friends would feel. Then I saw that eventually they would learn to carry on without me. They would learn to laugh and smile again.
I guess I am not as important as I thought I was. I’m just a soul on the earth trying to get by, just like everyone else. Everyone hurts in bad situations. Everyone feels good in good situations. That is just how it is. Then the moments pass and different experiences happen. We all have experiences that cause us to have very similar feelings. The only thing is, they may not always happen at the same time and they may not be as severe/good as others. It just depends who you are.
Plus, whomever you are with is probably going to feel a part of your experience with you. More than likely, if I am feeling depressed my actions and words express depression and it causes everyone else in the situation to feel similar feelings. I believe that is a way empathy works.
I am wondering, why am I handling this experience so badly? I suppose each experience can be handled any way I want it to be handled. Why am I choosing to make this some kind of bad experience? It is fear. Fear did it to me.
The one thing I fear the most is death. It is because (remember I am a child that lost a parent at a very young age) I want to be with my family and I don’t want them to go through what I went through. My desire is to live a normal length of time. I want to live to see my children grow. I want to live to see all of my grand children. I want to see great grand children. Wouldn’t that be awesome? YES!
The thing is, I was so worried and fearful of the future that I was unable to enjoy the present. I thought a lot about this. The word “die” echoed in my mind. Why? For crying out loud I am living. I am alive. So why not make the best of what I have?
I had to give myself a pep talk, “Stop giving into fear, Jenny! Fear is no good. It will eat you up and spit you out. Go forth in love and light. Show your beauty. Live and love everyday for all the days of your life and surely you will be content.”
I ended with a prayer.
I ask that your angels remind me to pray daily and keep me safe. That you show me a safe path, every day, in which I can show happiness, love, and kindness with my actions and words. I ask this so I will have a positive impact on everyone around me but, also give myself the gift of happiness through your grace. I ask that you give me the courage and strength and health so I may be healed and made well according to your grace. Thank you for happiness. Thank you for everything that is good. Thank you for grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
So be it, I will be well and I will be happy.
Love the survivor,