I called my oncologist this morning to get my blood test results to see if I was going to need a transfusion. Apparently, the stick I got in my port was for nothing because they didn’t even do the right test. I thought cbc was pretty common but whatever.
Then the nurse said, “I have your scan results though.” I was like, WHAT???!!!!. I was not ready for that. She said that I have significant change compared to last scan. Then I said with much apprehension,”like what?” She gave me the sizes. After doing the numbers, while still talking to the nurse, I said, “that is 88%.” Then she said, “is it?” Then I said, “does that mean I am in partial remission?” YES!!!! IT DOES.
She then said the small nodules on the pleura had a significant change. She also said my bones are still stable, and there is no evidence of the C word on any organs.
Of course a huge Thank You to God was said with great relief.
I have been here before, other than the better percentage…I have been here before. I wanted to be happy, but was reluctant. I even cried on the phone with my husband. Why am I not feeling this happiness? C is a very devious thing. Ben was talking about just think about now. And right now this is great news.
Then I talked to my daughter. I realized what C can do to me. It controls me. It causes me to believe I have to keep doing everything right because C is in control. I felt like I was serving the C.
Then I realized that one cannot have two masters. So I asked myself, “am I going to continue to serve something devious or am I going to chose God?” No one can serve two masters. C causes me to have doubt and fear on my mind constantly, consciously and subconsciously. Then I thought why am I serving fear? It is hard to serve God and then serve fear. It can’t be done parallel to each other. I can do one at one point and switch to the other at another point. If you think about it, that is a crazy path. Maybe that is why it says in the bible that you can not serve two masters. First, because it can’t be done together. Second, it is good advice because if you try; your path is wicked curvy and long, full of dismay then hope. Back and forth, what a headache that causes.
Anyway, got off track. This is something us C word folk learn to adjust to. Thanking God then waiting for the next bad news. It kind of sucks to have good news and then immediately think, “what is coming around the corner next, get prepared to retaliate.” I have not confronted the C word. I have only been retaliating. As I am not a confronter at heart, I normally retaliate.
This is the time that I chose to serve one master and that is God. I will be happy. I will continue to be a miracle. I will be strong. I will make the right choices. I will finish out the therapy and move forward on the right path. I am confronting the C word and God is at the helm.
P.S. here is my new puppy, Perry.I get to bring him home in a week