My hair was falling out in chunks because of chemotherapy. I was sleeping in chunks. It was getting very aggravating. I was wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt and all you could see was a bunch of blond hairs stuck to the front and back of the shirt. My pillow had chunks of hair on it. I would wake up to scratch my head and clumps of hair would fall out in my hand. It was 2am and I wanted a buzz cut. But, I waited until the morning. At 6 am I got the clippers out. My husband got a chair and he gave me a buzz cut. The first swipe was my bangs and my lower lip started to quiver. the second swipe over the top and my lip quivered more with little tears in my eyes. The third swipe and I couldn’t help but frown. But, my big girl voice took off and I told myself, it is not forever, don’t cry, suck it up, it is going to be okay. Losing my hair can be quite devastating. The feelings of sadness went away and I decided that it is just another part of my life to get through and it stopped bothering me. My head was buzzed. This to shall pass. I still have very short hair and blotches of no hair. My head feels like on big purple bruise in some areas.
It took Parker a looong couple of seconds to notice my head. He knew that I was going to lose my hair. I told him that the doctor is making me take medicine that is really hard to take and it would make my hair fall out. Once he noticed, he smiled and said, “your hair fell out.” I told him that I have a lot of hats to wear and he was wondering why I wasn’t going to wear a wig. Of course I wanted him to feel comfortable with me when we go out, so I actually thought getting a wig would remedy that. The truth is that he really doesn’t care. He likes the hats and I did make a compromise, I have a half wig that covers the crown of my head and leaves the top of my head uncovered. This is to wear with hats. I actually like it and it is totally my style. All the wigs seemed to perfect and I didn’t feel like myself no matter what kind of wig I tried on. But, in the back of my mind it would be really cool to have a super long blond wig. Ryne and Amanda have been through this before. I wore a scarf the whole time. They don’t care what I wear on my head either. I was so worried about making little change that I forgot my kids love me for me and not for my hair, duh. They just want me to get better.
Today, I put makeup on. It is something I barely ever do. I believe I should keep doing it though because I makes me feel good to look pretty.
Below are some pictures of the process and a small modeling show of some of my hats.
P.S. Cancer doesn’t control who I am, it controls how people treat me. I am still me.
I called my oncologist this morning to get my blood test results to see if I was going to need a transfusion. Apparently, the stick I got in my port was for nothing because they didn’t even do the right test. I thought cbc was pretty common but whatever.
Then the nurse said, “I have your scan results though.” I was like, WHAT???!!!!. I was not ready for that. She said that I have significant change compared to last scan. Then I said with much apprehension,”like what?” She gave me the sizes. After doing the numbers, while still talking to the nurse, I said, “that is 88%.” Then she said, “is it?” Then I said, “does that mean I am in partial remission?” YES!!!! IT DOES.
She then said the small nodules on the pleura had a significant change. She also said my bones are still stable, and there is no evidence of the C word on any organs.
Of course a huge Thank You to God was said with great relief.
I have been here before, other than the better percentage…I have been here before. I wanted to be happy, but was reluctant. I even cried on the phone with my husband. Why am I not feeling this happiness? C is a very devious thing. Ben was talking about just think about now. And right now this is great news.
Then I talked to my daughter. I realized what C can do to me. It controls me. It causes me to believe I have to keep doing everything right because C is in control. I felt like I was serving the C.
Then I realized that one cannot have two masters. So I asked myself, “am I going to continue to serve something devious or am I going to chose God?” No one can serve two masters. C causes me to have doubt and fear on my mind constantly, consciously and subconsciously. Then I thought why am I serving fear? It is hard to serve God and then serve fear. It can’t be done parallel to each other. I can do one at one point and switch to the other at another point. If you think about it, that is a crazy path. Maybe that is why it says in the bible that you can not serve two masters. First, because it can’t be done together. Second, it is good advice because if you try; your path is wicked curvy and long, full of dismay then hope. Back and forth, what a headache that causes.
Anyway, got off track. This is something us C word folk learn to adjust to. Thanking God then waiting for the next bad news. It kind of sucks to have good news and then immediately think, “what is coming around the corner next, get prepared to retaliate.” I have not confronted the C word. I have only been retaliating. As I am not a confronter at heart, I normally retaliate.
This is the time that I chose to serve one master and that is God. I will be happy. I will continue to be a miracle. I will be strong. I will make the right choices. I will finish out the therapy and move forward on the right path. I am confronting the C word and God is at the helm.
P.S. here is my new puppy, Perry.I get to bring him home in a week
For those of you that don’t know, I ended up beating the first breast cancer. It started in 2001 and ended in 2014. When I found this out, I also found out that I had a new tumor and a new breast cancer. So now I am starting over. I had a port put back in, after not having one for 12 years, and I recently have started a new type of IV chemotherapy for the type of breast cancer I have. You are now up to date.
Dear Good Spark,
This week was really bad. I am pretty sure that I convinced myself that I was going to die, and die soon. I fell into a very deep depression. It hurt my whole body. It messed me up really bad. I started thinking about what life would be like, on earth, without me. How everything would just continue except, I would not be here. I imagined the grief that my children, husband, family, and friends would feel. Then I saw that eventually they would learn to carry on without me. They would learn to laugh and smile again.
I guess I am not as important as I thought I was. I’m just a soul on the earth trying to get by, just like everyone else. Everyone hurts in bad situations. Everyone feels good in good situations. That is just how it is. Then the moments pass and different experiences happen. We all have experiences that cause us to have very similar feelings. The only thing is, they may not always happen at the same time and they may not be as severe/good as others. It just depends who you are.
Plus, whomever you are with is probably going to feel a part of your experience with you. More than likely, if I am feeling depressed my actions and words express depression and it causes everyone else in the situation to feel similar feelings. I believe that is a way empathy works.
I am wondering, why am I handling this experience so badly? I suppose each experience can be handled any way I want it to be handled. Why am I choosing to make this some kind of bad experience? It is fear. Fear did it to me.
The one thing I fear the most is death. It is because (remember I am a child that lost a parent at a very young age) I want to be with my family and I don’t want them to go through what I went through. My desire is to live a normal length of time. I want to live to see my children grow. I want to live to see all of my grand children. I want to see great grand children. Wouldn’t that be awesome? YES!
The thing is, I was so worried and fearful of the future that I was unable to enjoy the present. I thought a lot about this. The word “die” echoed in my mind. Why? For crying out loud I am living. I am alive. So why not make the best of what I have?
I had to give myself a pep talk, “Stop giving into fear, Jenny! Fear is no good. It will eat you up and spit you out. Go forth in love and light. Show your beauty. Live and love everyday for all the days of your life and surely you will be content.”
I ended with a prayer.
I ask that your angels remind me to pray daily and keep me safe. That you show me a safe path, every day, in which I can show happiness, love, and kindness with my actions and words. I ask this so I will have a positive impact on everyone around me but, also give myself the gift of happiness through your grace. I ask that you give me the courage and strength and health so I may be healed and made well according to your grace. Thank you for happiness. Thank you for everything that is good. Thank you for grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
So be it, I will be well and I will be happy.
Love the survivor,
One thing I learned from basic training; when I reached muscle failure, I was able to focus and moved forward. I learned to mentally focus on the finish line. I learned that quitting is not succeeding. Whether I hated the pain or not, I never quit and new that the end is ‘somewhere down the road’ whether I could see it or not. I learned that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even in complete darkness. Somewhere there is an end and another beginning. Once you get through the trial there are many other doors opening to another adventure. All of this; is about never quitting, never giving in. The very second you quit, something takes over and you become part of the problem and you lose the ability to become part of the solution. You become the sickness and lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Be the warrior, the soldier, you were meant to be. Forging forward in this world, never quitting, until your mission is complete.
My last appointment with the oncologist was good and bad. The cancer is shrinking to the point that it is hardly visible to the naked eye. The Xeloda (chemo) is working. No swollen lymphnodes either. BBBUUUUTTTT, for some reason I have a mass (a mass, not a tumor, not a lesion, an unknown mass) in between my heart and my right lung and NO ONE absolutely NO ONE can figure out why since the chemo is working. They also can’t figure out what it is attached to because a catscan is in black and white. If the chemo works on the liver, it works every where. My bones are stable. No growth there either. So why the mass? I have a petscan on Wednesday. If it lights up, bad. If it doesn’t, good. But, then how do we get it out. It is in a tricky position. Mind you, I’ve had a pericardial effusion and a pleural effusion. I could have a pocket build up. I’ve also read that chemo can cause fluid build up, maybe I need to stop taking it. There are so many unanswered questions, and when this happens, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to give in to this. I know that the end of the cancer tunnel is coming soon and I know that I will be in the light and open a door that allows me to work on my mission, I will open another door. I will stay positive and finish this blog on Thursday, when I get my results. Until then, I will keep praying and I hope you do too.
I am in between my 8 and 9 round of chemo, 2000 mg a day (this is a lower dose than usual and I was started on 3500 in the beginning as the doctor was shocking my system. He is an awesome doctor). I had a partial hysterectomy 6 weeks ago.
Anyway, I think I have symptoms of hearing loss. My ears are constantly ringing too. I do have allergies, but this is different. The ringing changes in frequency. You know how your ears don’t work as well after an AC/DC, Pink Floyd, Robert Plant, Ozzy, Rush, or Grateful Dead concert. I’m sure there are more, you get the point. Although, it also sounds the same as the time I shot my M16 and failed to wear ear plugs…woops.
I have a sever joint pain. Every one of my joints throb. The kind that makes me think it could be rheumatoid arthritis. My muscles hurt horribly. I have side pain and also upper abdominal pain. The pain that makes me want to start self diagnosing myself on WebMD.
There are times when I cannot sit still and have no energy to move. Yet I press on through the Little House on the Prairie marathon. Which is everyday on the Hallmark Channel.
It appears that I lost my finger prints. I’m sure my toe prints are missing too. I haven’t checked although I will not doubt myself. My oncologist told me I could rob a bank and they would never get my finger prints. I assured him I would never do this.
My lower back hurts. My hips hurt and the psoas. However, today when I was working with my trainer (who is also my friend), while laying on my back, doing hip thrusts, it donned on me. It has been a long time since I had sex. That was funny…. and not so funny at the same time.
My neck hurts it causes headaches and it seems to be connected to my ears. You know how your neck hurts from head banging and dancing in mosh pits? That is the kind I hurt I mean.
I was craving Buffalo Wings and potato chip chocolate and rocky road chocolate. I actually waited in town, pretending to have an errand to run, until Buffalo Wild Wings opened. I ate 5 of them on the way home.
All of these things remind me, on a daily basis that I have metasticized breast cancer. That is one of the hardest things to get anyone to understand; that I feel like all of the pain through out my whole life, encapsulates my body and I suffer from pain without end. I have to write about this because if I don’t, I will go crazy on all the people who are failing to understand this. This is the type of pain that starts with the first diagnosis. This gradually, gets better over time, but it never completely goes away. This is the pain I feel.
I understand that I have tons of blessings too. But, is it so hard to realize that I have trouble seeing them? It’s not that I just scraped my leg on the path to my elementary school, or my dad died when I was 7, or hit my head on the ground, on a cast iron stove, the end of a balance beam, soccer balls, or at the bottom of the pool. It isn’t that I didn’t go through all that normal teen stuff. But, For crying out loud; my dad dies, all of my grand parents die, no to mention a wonderful cousin. I got a lovely divorce too. Look what I just wrote…see how hard it is for me to see my blessings? I am so darn sensitive that I am off the Richter scale.
I do know my blessings. All of the above is relative. They are things I hardly ever think about. It is because it is not me. Yes, my experiences mold me and it is possible to make the wrong mold. However, I can change my mold. I can change my spirit. I learned that unhappiness does not matter. It is not what happens to me, it is what I do to make life happen for someone else.
This is who Jesus turns me into. Into a loving, caring, giving, inspiring, smart, beautiful woman. I changed the mold because I choose the right. I choose Jesus because he chose me first. Jesus gave me the best option and I took it immediately. There is nothing like knowing who you are, where you come from. and what is your purpose. There is nothing like truly seeing people for who they are. It is a gift. There is nothing like truly seeing who I am.
This is why I am still okay. It is because I understand the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I entered into a covenant with my Heavenly Father. I believe I will not parish because I believe Jesus truly died for all of my sins whether I remember them all or not. And as long as I repent for everything that understand I was wrong, I will have everlasting life. Because I know this, I can live life to the fullest and not have fear of the world. I will fail and I will repent, therefor I will be saved.
This is what gets me through my days. It is strength, courage, love peace, patience, hope, and most of all faith. Faith in Jesus and faith in myself. This is working for me. It requires a lot of support. It requires letting the bad go and stepping into the light, Then keeping it for as long as you can. It is work. Life is not for the weak. Especially with cancer. However, I know it could be worse….there could be starving children in China.
I know that one day I will die. I seriously doubt it will be from any type of illness or disease. Which means all this exercising and eating right will pay off and I will be very old when I die. It means that my prayers are being answered according to my faithfulness. Those with great faith have great lessons. This was a great lesson. What a ride.
I dont know how to say this so here it goes.
Lift up praise to our Heavenly Father.
If I didnt fight to have a partial hysterectomy, things could have been worse. I listened to the spirit and I kept saying over and over to doctors,”get them out, they are killing me!” It was denied, then my doctor got it approved through a peer to peer conversation with the health insurance doctor. Finally, those ovaries were removed, along with the tubes and uterus. The pathology report came back with mets breast cancer infiltrating my ovaries. With clean tubes, uterus, and cervix.
I fought and listened to my body, not anyone else. I listened. That is the only way to survive people. You have to know yourself, know your feelings, know discernment, and act.
I dont know what all this means as far as medicine is concerned, but I think it means no changes. I believe I am winning.
Pet scans can’t see tumors until they are a certain size. Instincts and feelings told me to get those little killers out.
Do not ever let anyone tell you trusting feelings are wrong. Trusting a feeling is the first thing you should always do!!!!! They are the first line of defense….not your brain! Relying on your brain is like relying on your ego.
In short, I got some cancer out, praise the Lord for the gift of the holy spirit and the knowledge to listen.
Long Day for this girl. My surgery was switched from Women’s Gateway to St. Mary’s Hospital. The hospital that gave me the wrong medicine when I wound up in cardiovascular ICU. Apparently, the anesthesiologist is to scared to do it at the Women’s Hospital at Deaconess. So back to St. Mary’s. I was pretty verbal about this and quite clear that I can not have certain medicines and that I have told them this before and they completely ignored my request for proper medication, thus ending up having my ICD fire 16 times in one night. It is quite possible I could make the last time into a lawsuit. I’m at the least contacting the customer complaint and billing department. I just it makes me feel rude to do contact them. But, they need to know.
The good thing, as usual my doctor is a good doctor. It is always the pharmacy and staff that are screwing my medicine up. She is going to have the list on hand and make all appropriate measures to ensure I am given the correct medicine. Still, I will have double the anxiety on Tuesday, so they better dope me up good. This is a big step for me to trust St. Mary’s.
So surgery on Tuesday.
Then Wednesday, I have an allergy prick test for food allergies so I can my eating habits under control. I’m sick of allergy issues after I eat.
I swear, I am so freaking sick of medical issues. I never get the flu or any type of virus.No No, I get the big crap. On top of that, I’m one of the healthy ones. I was going to do a dang triathlon. Ugh! How retarded life can be. Cancer is stupid.
Signing up for Group Kick (which is basically kick boxing) starting this week. Been swimming three times a week. Haven’t got on my bike, but will soon. I need the seat changed. I’m not sure when I will run again. I may not be able to do it ever again. But, no one said I have to run the 5k in a sprint triathlon. All I want is a finisher medal. I don’t have to win. And seriously, I want to start kick boxing because honestly, I feel like kicking the hell out of the air. I just want to KICK! I AM NOT SICK!!!!!!!!!! I am just at a week point.