cancer

The buzz cut

My hair was falling out in chunks because of chemotherapy. I was sleeping in chunks. It was getting very aggravating. I was wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt and all you could see was a bunch of blond hairs stuck to the front and back of the shirt. My pillow had chunks of hair on it. I would wake up to scratch my head and clumps of hair would fall out in my hand. It was 2am and I wanted a buzz cut. But, I waited until the morning. At 6 am I got the clippers out. My husband got a chair and he gave me a buzz cut. The first swipe was my bangs and my lower lip started to quiver. the second swipe over the top and my lip quivered more with little tears in my eyes. The third swipe and I couldn’t help but frown. But, my big girl voice took off and I told myself, it is not forever, don’t cry, suck it up, it is going to be okay. Losing my hair can be quite devastating. The feelings of sadness went away and I decided that it is just another part of my life to get through and it stopped bothering me. My head was buzzed. This to shall pass. I still have very short hair and blotches of no hair. My head feels like on big purple bruise in some areas.

It took Parker a looong couple of seconds to notice my head. He knew that I was going to lose my hair. I told him that the doctor is making me take medicine that is really hard to take and it would make my hair fall out. Once he noticed, he smiled and said, “your hair fell out.” I told him that I have a lot of hats to wear and he was wondering why I wasn’t going to wear a wig. Of course I wanted him to feel comfortable with me when we go out, so I actually thought getting a wig would remedy that. The truth is that he really doesn’t care. He likes the hats and I did make a compromise, I have a half wig that covers the crown of my head and leaves the top of my head uncovered. This is to wear with hats. I actually like it and it is totally my style. All the wigs seemed to perfect and I didn’t feel like myself no matter what kind of wig I tried on. But, in the back of my mind it would be really cool to have a super long blond wig. Ryne and Amanda have been through this before. I wore a scarf the whole time. They don’t care what I wear on my head either. I was so worried about making little change that I forgot my kids love me for me and not for my hair, duh. They just want me to get better.

Today, I put makeup on. It is something I barely ever do. I believe I should keep doing it though because I makes me feel good to look pretty.

Below are some pictures of the process and a small modeling show of some of my hats.

P.S. Cancer doesn’t control who I am, it controls how people treat me. I am still me.

 

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All It Takes Is Believing

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Play-doh…kids just make whatever they want and always believe everything they make is awesome. When do adults quit believing everything they do is awesome? When does that happen? Does it happen because another child breaks us? Does it happen when a parent inadvertently plants the idea that the child could do much better? Does it happen when we lose the ability to see the beauty of life? There could be so many reasons why adults lose their inner child and start to believe that they just can’t be good enough or smart enough to manage to pull off the impossible. Just making playdoh pancakes becomes a thing of the past and our brains are rewired to believe we might not be capable of being or doing the impossible.

Everyone has the ability to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of many people in the world. Lets start to believe that we can heal ourselves because we can. We can seek help, we can make changes. All it takes is believing. The belief that something greater than us is always working on our side, cheering us on, to fight the fight, and win. When we become winners in a race that seems impossible; we become triumphant. We become winners. We become people who can make a difference in others lives. We are people who can help others triumph over all trials. We can start to work together to make everyone feel better. When we learn to win, when we learn to love ourselves, when we realize the benefits of endurance, it changes us. When we are changed, we are able to teach others to endure.

So lets remold ourselves into any shape we want to be. Lets make ourselves into the most colorful creation possble, just like a child molds playdoh. Lets learn to use our hands and work hard to make a creation within us. Lets cut off the uneven parts and roll out the dough to a flat smoothe surface ready to take on any project that comes at us. We can make the most defined person we could possibly be. We can roll our selves out to be tiny little snakes, spaghetti, pancakes….and apparently, as I watch my own child playing and dancing, we can even turn ourselves into rainbows. Imagine what you want to be and become who you really are.

Even though we go through trials; with vision, imagination, action, endurance, and belief we can become what we are meant to be and make the world a better place.

Matthew 8:13 And Jesus said unto the centurion, Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour.

Matthew 21:22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Mark 9:23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

Remember, all it takes is believing and anything can happen.

Much love,
Jenny

CureDiva is an online one stop shop for products and solutions for women facing breast cancer. CureDiva offers the most diverse collection of products for living stylishly with cancer – from the most practical solutions to treatment side effects to the simply fashionable products, combined with an active community of women who share tips and tricks back and forth. All products are carefully curated (and Diva approved!). The store offers the widest assortment of mastectomy wear, post surgery bras, breast forms and nipple prosthesis, mastectomy swimwear, chemo head wear, hats and scarves, compression products for lymphedima, and much more.  CureDiva strive to carry not only a wide assortment of products but also ones that are hard-to-find and special. 

Inspiration For Obedience

I needed a darker back ground for my phone. It is because with a white back ground I can’t see the date or whether the phone is charging.  I decided  to seek out quotes that had a gray of black back ground. I found a quote with a darker back ground and it is written by one of my favorite people. The quote is by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I am pretty sure he is from Germany. It seems that every quote he writes or every book he writes speaks straight  to me.

It is amazing how many countries that my church lives. It is amazing  how many countries our missionaries can go to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is also amazing how many caring and educated men lead my church towards the foundation of Jesus Christ. It is amazing how many giving, smart, caring women that teach and give their time for children an all women and their families to rise above the temporal world to live righteous lives. For that I am extrememly thankful for.

It is not easy being LDS in an environment where children grow up seeing propaganda in their parents church or they have parents that teach them only what they want to teach. One time, I actualy picked up a pamphet written by Charles Stanley that was propaganda and I had the church remove any type of propoganda from the front foyer. I’ve been told I do not celebrate Christmas. Although the whole existance of my church is based on the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’ve been asked if I celebrate biirthdays. That I am completely confused about. I’ve been told I have horns. In my opnion I believe that many people in my area claim to know what the bible says but, when I quote the bible I am questioned as if I am trying to fool them. Even though I can literally find the passage. I’ve been accused that I believe that I will get my own planet to make babies for eternity and that all my church believes is that women are only baby makers and have to have perrmission from husband’s to do anything. I am equal to my husband and we become one when married. Notice I said husband, were are not polygamists! I live in an area where people read propganda before they will ask me any questions and then all I get, is what I call people posessed with evil spirits, arguing with me about religion which in my church is a completely unacceptable for members to argue about religion or how people should worship God.

My church is awesome. I am so grateful for my church that I actuallly well up inside. I don’t know what I would do without my church family. They try to understand or at least make a tremendous effort to show empathy towards me and  my situation. They would never shove people under the bus. They always help when anyone needs anthing. They show up at the hospital and give me blessings. They come to my house and give me blessings. I have two beautiful ladies that come to my house to teach me a lesson on faith every month and they are always a phone call away if I need anything. One time I called one of them because I was in a lot of pain. She rubbed my back until her hands hurt, she made me a PBJ that was so good {probably because it was almost 5 years since I had one}. Then she did all my dishes and of course said a prayer with me before she left. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ andd I know they love me and every single person in my family. I always feel safe and secure at church. Every child I teach is very smart. I know that every person prays for me and I know that they pray hard with a lot of faith. They cook me dinnner, bring the youth to mow and clean my yard, fold my laundry….they are just so awesome. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints.

I’m also thankful for my neighbors who find the time during the day to cook me dinner. I have a friend from another church {i do the books} who has taken me to every chemo appointment. Baby sits my little one. Checks on my 16 year old. I am sure she gives them a lot of comfort because she does that for me and my husband is thankful for the time she spends making sure I am alright. She has also cleaned my house, made me an omelet, folded and put away my laundry, and so many other things. She is one awesome lady.

My family is the greatest. Although the therapy can make me tired, grumpy, and angry; I hope they reailze that they are the most important people in my life. Including my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Ryne had to grow up very fast and take care of me and his brother. He is really great and wise beyond his years. I tell Parker everytime I feel better and he always comes to me with “healing hugs”. My husband is a hard man to read and he is very difficult to talk to understand. He is just not like any man in the whole universe. I can see his heart softening and when I say , “I love you,” I mean it more than ever before. He tries so hard to handle work and me and kids. I can imagine it can be quite stressful. This is why my darling daughter got us gifft cards for dates. Which are needed so much. One more thing, my husband gives the best hugs and kisses.

As always, I know that having the “C” word allows patients to see the true colors in other people. I know who are true and who are not. I’ve learned that these people need to be appreciated and prayed for and that is what I do.

I am happy where I am and as Dieter Uchtdorf said, “Love is the measure of our faith, the inspiration for our obedience, and the true altitude of our discipleship.”

I want to say thank you to every one who has helped me. Your loving gifts, in any form, have abolished fear and doubt and bring me to an uplifted state; which is where I deserve to be.

Thank you with much love,

Jenny

This is my articles of faith. Maybe they will offend you. Maybe your heart will be softened by the kindness of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

The light at the end of the tunnel

One thing I learned from basic training; when I reached muscle failure, I was able to focus and moved forward. I learned to mentally focus on the finish line. I learned that quitting is not succeeding. Whether I hated the pain or not, I never quit and new that the end is ‘somewhere down the road’ whether I could see it or not. I learned that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even in complete darkness. Somewhere there is an end and another beginning. Once you get through the trial there are many other doors opening to another adventure. All of this; is about never quitting, never giving in. The very second you quit, something takes over and you become part of the problem and you lose the ability to become part of the solution. You become the sickness and lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Be the warrior, the soldier, you were meant to be. Forging forward in this world, never quitting, until your mission is complete.

My last appointment with the oncologist was good and bad. The cancer is shrinking to the point that it is hardly visible to the naked eye. The Xeloda (chemo) is working. No swollen lymphnodes either. BBBUUUUTTTT, for some reason I have a mass (a mass, not a tumor, not a lesion, an unknown mass) in between my heart and my right lung and NO ONE absolutely NO ONE can figure out why since the chemo is working. They also can’t figure out what it is attached to because a catscan is in black and white. If the chemo works on the liver, it works every where. My bones are stable. No growth there either. So why the mass? I have a petscan on Wednesday. If it lights up, bad. If it doesn’t, good. But, then how do we get it out. It is in a tricky position. Mind you, I’ve had a pericardial effusion and a pleural effusion. I could have a pocket build up. I’ve also read that chemo can cause fluid build up, maybe I need to stop taking it. There are so many unanswered questions, and when this happens, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to give in to this. I know that the end of the cancer tunnel is coming soon and I know that I will be in the light and open a door that allows me to work on my mission, I will open another door. I will stay positive and finish this blog on Thursday, when I get my results. Until then, I will keep praying and I hope you do too.

Feeling Better

I am moving forward. I got so sick this year that I was not able to accomplish things. If I can’t accomplish things, it bothers me negatively even though I had an acceptable reason. Now that I am feeling better, I’ve been cleaning up around the house. I feel really good to get things done. I am seeing a physical trainer twice a week. The more I exercise, the more I want to ride my bike and swim and the better I feel. I finally started to de-clutter my room. It feels good. The more I accomplish the better I feel. I feel like I am winning this mental and physical battle. You have no idea how much better I feel. I am smiling while I write this. I am smiling more. I am sleeping better. Sometimes, I have a bad day. However, the bad days seem to be less and the good days are increasing. I am so thankful for all of the prayers I received from friends, family, and people I don’t even know. I am so grateful for the life I have. Things are turning around. Thank you; all of you. Scans are coming up next week, please keep those prayers coming. Thank you so much for all the awesome support. 

I am so grateful for all the good sparks sent my way.

Overcoming Pain For Joy

Yesterday I realized that not only have I reprogrammed my mind to believe every ache has to be cancer but it seems that some of my friends followed in my foot steps and have reprogrammed themselves to believe any ache and pain I talk about, has to be cancer.

Then I felt bad and had to back track. Yes chemo intensifies pain but it more than likely does not mean cancer. If I am angry, my anger is intensified, if I have arthritis well that is intensified too. Chemo makes every day pain intensified.

I know the difference between cancer bone pain and intensified arthritis. There is a difference to me even though you may not know the difference. Chemo intensifies pain and it is up to the patient to decipher which is what.

I am feeling better. The second week of chemo instensifies pain and intensifies the lack of comprehension and to keep a full thought. That is where I am this week.

This is the verse that showed up in my email today and it fits how I feel and how I pray you feel about any situation.

Romans 5:3-4 NIV
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Not only does suffering produce perserverance which produces character and character hope; but hope produces belief and belief produces faith.

So my dear friends and family, I may have pain and suffering and I may talk about them. However, never forget that I also have perseverance, character, hope, faith, and belief.

I am a survivor. Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel happy that I know these things. Take these gifts for yourself and apply them to your entire life. Have Joy.

That’s It! We’re Breaking Up!

Dear Cancer,

That’s it! We’re breaking up!

Zapper of strength,

You cannot define me anymore.

I am not some person to control.

I found the key.

I removed the chains.

No, I  will not forgive you.

No you may not take anything with you.

What’s mine, is mine.

You have nothing but yourself.

Loneliness you cause, loneliness you are.

Selfish behavior will no longer get you anywhere.

I am tired of the messes left all over my house.

The capability to clean up after yourself is absent.

Disaster is your middle name.

This is my house and I am kicking you out.

Everything in my house stays.

May you never experience mercy.

May you never grow.

May you die alone.

Get out!

Stay out!

Do not ever come back!

It is over!

Jenny

 

 

 

 

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