System of Exchange

I always turn harder to my faith when I haven’t been feeling well. This is only one persons opinion. Several months ago my husband and I were talking on the way home from town. He said that everything is made by God, but I interrupted and said that the bad things of the world were not, like when people choose to do something bad because they chose to listen to Satan.

Recently, I came to the realization that God inspired man to come up with a system of exchange. I don’t believe he came to Earth and set up a money factory, but I do believe that God knew the coming of the times and that we would need money. So therefor, I believe God inspired, through other people’s hands to create a system, for the betterment of mankind. There was an exchange system in the bible; talents and pounds and many more and there still is.

Whether it was pounds, talents, nickels, dimes, quarters, or paper money. No where in the bible does it say that money is the root of all unhappiness. It just isn’t. It is at the root of a child needing money for cancer treatment, it is at the root of adults needing cancer treatment, it is at the root of a newlyweds honeymoon. The only time money is bad is when it is misused and not managed well.

The other day I was talking to my husband and he said that he wasn’t sure the God created money. Only God has the power to create, either through his own hands or by the hands of others. To even consider that Satan has equal powers to God, in the department of creation, is insane. Satan can not create anything. All Satan can do is entice people to sin by putting thoughts in our heads. That is his eternal mission to take out mankind, to get us to sin.

Then I was reading about the parable of the ten servants and the ten pounds in Luke 19:21-27. Not to be confused with another parable in Matthew about 3 servants given talents (which were extremely expensive, like the highest amount of worth back in the day). A pound was worth 3 months wages.

Back to Luke 19:21-27. There is a Lord over some servants and he was going out of town and asked his servants to take care of business while he was gone. First of all, the citizens did not like their ruler. However, the first man increased his pound by 10x and was rewarded 10 cities. The second increased by 5x and was rewarded 5 cities. The next inreased by nothing on top of that he judged his Lord of being harsh. The Lord said, you knew I was harsh, yet chose not to do what I asked of you. Then said the he would judge the servant for judging him. Basically, the Lord over the servant said, if you knew I was a harsh man then why didn’t you do business. Then the the one pound was given to the servant who made 10.

Then the following verse pops up: Luke 19:26 For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. This sounds like if you have, more will be given and if you have not, less will be given and also be taken away. I think it’s because we are meant to have to work for our money. According to this the servant who did not do the business as asked was then given less and i imagine the same went for any of the other ten servants.

So is money bad? I don’t believe it is, if in the right hands. I do believe God’s hand was involved in making money. I do not believe having money is a sin. What I do believe is money is a very powerful tool and if left in the wrong hands (a person who is listening to Satan) it can ruin lives. Which is what it means when you put another God (money) before the one true God. I personally do not believe in hoarding money. I believe there should be plans made with it or invested properly. Just like the servant who increased his pound 10x.

I believe that stuff worth money around the house, that is not being used, should be given to goodwill or some other charity so that others may be able to enjoy. After all, if a person can have something to enjoy they should be rewarded for their hard work. For people who can’t work, God will bless them for their righteous  efforts. It should be carried on like a domino effect. Paying it forward. Righteous efforts are paying it foward.

I believe the stigma about money out here in the bible belt, was made up by some bible thumping (insert religion here).

On top of everything else, I believe there is another lesson to be learned from the parable. The stronger your faith, the more blessings you receive, because you notice them. The weaker your faith, the more blessings you are less likely to notice.

One more thing, just so everyone knows, Satan has no powers that are equivalent to the creator. He can’t create anything. Satan can whisper lies to you and as I said before and I will say it again, if the holy ghost is strong within you, Satan will not be able to persuade you to do wrong. Satan causes less blessings but when you listen to the Holy Ghost you don’t have to worry because you will choose what is right and your reward is more blessings because of gratitude.


Be The Very Best

Being a patient you learn the truth about some things and one of those things is that you really are supposed to put yourself first here on Earth. It is not being of the world, it is being in the world using the prophetic knowledge of our savior Jesus Christ, the smartest man who ever walked the face of the Earth. Being in the world is ok because Earth is our temporary home. Being of the world is putting tangible things before God.

There is no way we can serve with the greatest magnitude unless we love and take care of our selves first. If one doesn’t take care of oneself, one is not able to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to serve for God. Like when people are mean or nasty to everyone. The Holy Spirit/God cannot be present, there isn’t goodness. So, the only way one is able to serve is to love thyself. That causes us to be able to hear God. Im not saying God doesnt use everyone for his work. I am saying that if you arent in a good mind, you wont listen to God, you’ll choose the wrong instead of choosing the right, and it is because you are not being love. Therefor, you are causing yourself to be alone without the ability of discernment and not in the presence of God. It is your choice. One cannot love completely with out having the presence of love in your heart. The same as the presence of God. You have to allow love in first in order to love your neighbr

You love others as you love yourself. Matthew 22:39-Love your neighbor as yourself. You have to love yourself to love your neighbor properly. That scripture has multiple meanings. It also means you are going to treat your neighbor the same way you treat yourself. How good do you feel after a warm, relaxing bath? That same good feeling is how you will treat your neighbor; in a relaxed and refreshed manner.

John 15:12 This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. This tells how to love our neighbor and also gives us a clue on how to hear God when we are needed to serve for God. Jesus said love just as I love you because he is giving us a short parable. Love so I can talk to you and you can hear me. 

It really bothers me when I make a decision that is good for me, then it makes someone else mad. Trust me, I’ve been accused of being selfish. Others may say, “go ahead, I know it is all about you, I know.” Then stomp away. I am not going to let it bother me any more. Just because I am an individual with different needs does not mean I don’t care. It does not mean that I will step on people to get what I want. It means that I am trying to improve myself and it has nothing to do with any one else but me. There is not one person in this world that is exactly like me. I will always work at loving myself so I can love others. Isn’t that the first step to wellness?

When you leave yourself behind, you get sick.


Just as Jesus Christ said to do, follow Matthew 22:39 and John 15:12.
If you havent understood anything i wrote remember this:

I hope this made sense. Lately I have noticed that I am scatter brained and it is flowing over into writing.

The Box at the Front Door

I use Amazon all the time. My account is set up. It is easy and simple and I get quality product at my doorstep. I even get free shipping. I like to use 6pm for buying clothes and shoes, occasionally. My account is set up. It is easy and simple and I get quality product at my door step. I use other sites too, but these two are the ones I use most often. I’ve used swim outlets, running stores, cycling stores. They all have the same things in common; I have an account. It is easy and simple. I get quality product at my doorstep.

If I can go on line and click a button without having anything tangible in my hands, and know without a doubt that I will receive the product, I should know immediately that a prayer will be answered?

The store is like God, it has everything I need. The account is set up, he knows me. There is a button to click, so all I have to do is ask. My product will be at my door, so I believe, unwaveringly, that my product will come. I ask myself what I want. I seek out my desire. I click (sounds like a knock) a button. Then I get what I want. All I have to do is wait. I know what I want is coming. I don’t even think about it again until, BOOM, there it is right in front of me, at my front door. Boom; oh my gosh, yey, I have what I ordered. Now that is service.

If I can trust these online stores and not waiver. Then surely, I can trust God will answer my prayers. That I only have to ask once. Only one time. No need for repeats. God will answer the prayer because God is Great.

Faith takes work. Believing. When a prayer is answered, it will be better than any online store could offer. Sometimes items are returned. Answered prayers are never returned. It is because they are designed specifically to be greater than what was asked for. Answered prayers are greater than any box at the front door.

The buzz cut

My hair was falling out in chunks because of chemotherapy. I was sleeping in chunks. It was getting very aggravating. I was wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt and all you could see was a bunch of blond hairs stuck to the front and back of the shirt. My pillow had chunks of hair on it. I would wake up to scratch my head and clumps of hair would fall out in my hand. It was 2am and I wanted a buzz cut. But, I waited until the morning. At 6 am I got the clippers out. My husband got a chair and he gave me a buzz cut. The first swipe was my bangs and my lower lip started to quiver. the second swipe over the top and my lip quivered more with little tears in my eyes. The third swipe and I couldn’t help but frown. But, my big girl voice took off and I told myself, it is not forever, don’t cry, suck it up, it is going to be okay. Losing my hair can be quite devastating. The feelings of sadness went away and I decided that it is just another part of my life to get through and it stopped bothering me. My head was buzzed. This to shall pass. I still have very short hair and blotches of no hair. My head feels like on big purple bruise in some areas.

It took Parker a looong couple of seconds to notice my head. He knew that I was going to lose my hair. I told him that the doctor is making me take medicine that is really hard to take and it would make my hair fall out. Once he noticed, he smiled and said, “your hair fell out.” I told him that I have a lot of hats to wear and he was wondering why I wasn’t going to wear a wig. Of course I wanted him to feel comfortable with me when we go out, so I actually thought getting a wig would remedy that. The truth is that he really doesn’t care. He likes the hats and I did make a compromise, I have a half wig that covers the crown of my head and leaves the top of my head uncovered. This is to wear with hats. I actually like it and it is totally my style. All the wigs seemed to perfect and I didn’t feel like myself no matter what kind of wig I tried on. But, in the back of my mind it would be really cool to have a super long blond wig. Ryne and Amanda have been through this before. I wore a scarf the whole time. They don’t care what I wear on my head either. I was so worried about making little change that I forgot my kids love me for me and not for my hair, duh. They just want me to get better.

Today, I put makeup on. It is something I barely ever do. I believe I should keep doing it though because I makes me feel good to look pretty.

Below are some pictures of the process and a small modeling show of some of my hats.

P.S. Cancer doesn’t control who I am, it controls how people treat me. I am still me.


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Woe is me…worry, worry.

There is something I only think about when I end up with a diagnosis that cancer is back. Each time I come out of remission I think of my kids. Their ages are 21, 15, and 5. I think about them because they are the ones that are keeping me from giving in to the horrible disease I have.

I know what it feels like to lose a parent too soon. My fear is that my youngest will not remember me. Constantly wondering who I was, what I believed in, where I come from. Will anyone tell him the date of my birthday? I don’t trust that my in-laws will keep my name alive in my baby’s heart. My husband doesn’t talk much about feelings. I feel that he will shut down and my baby will have to figure things out on his own. I’m just glad that his brother and sister will remember me and tell him about me.

I know my two older children will hurt too. I wonder if their step-father will take care of them, even though they are not his children. Not that I don’t believe he wouldn’t. It just crosses my mind. I don’t want them to feel abandoned. They have been abandoned once by their own father, I don’t want them to feel like they are outsiders in a world of “steps”. Their own flesh and blood that is twenty minutes away, their own grandparents do not call them. It is like, out of sight out of mind. Occasionally, my daughter will get a phone call from a cousin. But she always has to make the effort to see them. They make no attempt to drive 20 or 30 minutes to see either of my older children. It is so annoying.

My daughter has a baby, my son is very active in band, and my baby is starting kindergarten in the fall. So my ultimate question is if something horrible happens, are my children going to be taken care of in a way that I would approve? Free to be themselves, free to take the part of me with them and know that it is okay to be spontaneous, free spirited, to love deeply, to not be discriminated because of their own thoughts and feelings, to not have their free will taken away from them. Free will is a great gift that others should never completely control in children or anyone. I want them to be able to speak freely about their thoughts and feelings without someone telling them they are wrong.

I gave my children to God. I am scared, even so I feel I will survive, I still give them to God. I gave them to God a long time ago because I want them to keep the faith and know that it is okay to be themselves..

It is going to be okay. I really feel like it will. I’m not trying to convince myself, I really feel that I will live much longer because I have an important job  to do. To change the world, one person at a time. To live harmoniously, to live life, to remain free spirited, and to be a walking miracle that can profess that God is real and loves each and every one of us. Finally, tell people the fullness of the Gospel and to give them a renewed love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am the Lotus Not The Muddy Pond. I can rise above the sickness and bloom into a beautiful flower full of light.

By the way I Am The Lotus Not The Muddy Pond is a great book you can buy on Amazon.




They say that we all go through grief stages in different orders. I know I was angry and I projected that anger at my family. The stupid part about this is that I was stupid enough to project my anger on my fifteen-year-old son who is already hormonal and angry. Now that is a lose/lose situation. It’s okay, I know it’s funny, go ahead and laugh with me. I would wake up angry at my husband and for that matter some other people. Anger takes control of your body so much that you lose the ability to think in a productive manor.

You know what else I did; I shook my fist in the air and looked up towards the sky, as if to blame God. Why would I do that? My heart knows that God does not create illness. God is a healer. Healers do not create illness. However, there were all those plagues in the Old Testament. However, then he also removed the plagues after some sort of repentance was made. He made every living thing. I cannot help it; I refuse to believe that God created illness. He created every living thing on the earth and very long time ago then gave man dominion over the earth. Man became worldly and stopped keeping dominion over the earth. Humanity stopped caring. Humanity polluted the earth. The pollution cause humans devolve and our DNA changed. I think a better way to put it is it broke. Humans are broken and it is our own fault. It is our own fault that there is sickness and disease in the world. It is probably why so many people want to live in communes away from society.

I bargained as well. My example of bargaining is when I started to believe I should have listened to the first opinion the first time cancer came back. If I had done the first opinion, I would not have cancer again. Also, I was in a lot of pain for a couple months before I called my oncologist. I thought it was from training for a triathlon. I finally called my doctor and he thought the same. I am sure it was because just three months before, I was clear. Just another reason I was mad at myself for not contacting someone sooner. If pain is persistent, does not go away, non-stop, it is time to have someone take care of you. It is time to remove the pain. Actually, that is probably a generic life lesson that can be applied to any thing.

I most definitely dealt with depression. It took me a while to realize I was depressed. A good sign that you may be depressed is the fact that you are angry at everyone and everything. My lesson from depression is that, depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is real and sometimes you just have no control; can’t get yourself into a happy place. It is completely responsible to get therapy and medicine.

Right now, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with reality. They say you can’t live in the past and you don’t know the future and you’re supposed to live in the present. The truth is; the present is reality.  My reality is I have cancer for the third time. I know this is odd to say, but the type of cancer I have has the highest survival rate and the most medicine available. So, since I have breast cancer, I guess I am glad it is that one. Even though it seems odd to say, I am “glad” about it.

I am in shock. I am in denial, which means I am having trouble dealing with reality. Reality is the present. I am having a hard time living in the present and find myself in the future and that is a very scary place. I tell you what set this off just one hour ago. My husband and I were talking about our investment portfolio. We recently, decided to get it really straightened out and really understand what we will do with our money. First page your planning objectives; plan for a premature death, proper distribution after death, fund children’s educations, sufficient resources when retired, guarantee insurability for your children, allocate expenses consistent with goals, provide terms when needed for long term care. WHAT? Plan for a premature death? I’m already feeling bad about this. Going forward, I noticed the ages on all the graphs, going all the way up to 96+. I found myself looking at much earlier ages and it freaked me out. Why would I assume that my life would end 30 years earlier than my husband’s? Freaking Cancer! What is wrong with me? Am I in denial? I think so.

I am sure I am not at acceptance. It’s is because I am in shock. It’s because I am not calm about the situation. This cancer is completely operable. This means there are still many medicines that could work. God’s will that the one I am taking works. In the past, as soon as I started to feel better; first physically, then mentally. My faith changed and I started the acceptance phase and I became calm because my hope was greatly restored.




Just Be

This verse speaks to me. It applies to materialism.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. – Matthew 6:24

When you have two masters you depend on opposites to get you through life. You begin to hate one and love the other. Hate, love, hate, love…When you serve two masters you are stuck in a cycle of abuse that you create.

When you don’t choose the kingdom of God (which is within you) you end up idolizing material things and losing your self.

Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you. – Luke 17:21

When you choose the kingdom of God you come into the spirit and automatically have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. You come in to your true being. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23

Give in and let God transform your experiences.Just Be.


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