My hair was falling out in chunks because of chemotherapy. I was sleeping in chunks. It was getting very aggravating. I was wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt and all you could see was a bunch of blond hairs stuck to the front and back of the shirt. My pillow had chunks of hair on it. I would wake up to scratch my head and clumps of hair would fall out in my hand. It was 2am and I wanted a buzz cut. But, I waited until the morning. At 6 am I got the clippers out. My husband got a chair and he gave me a buzz cut. The first swipe was my bangs and my lower lip started to quiver. the second swipe over the top and my lip quivered more with little tears in my eyes. The third swipe and I couldn’t help but frown. But, my big girl voice took off and I told myself, it is not forever, don’t cry, suck it up, it is going to be okay. Losing my hair can be quite devastating. The feelings of sadness went away and I decided that it is just another part of my life to get through and it stopped bothering me. My head was buzzed. This to shall pass. I still have very short hair and blotches of no hair. My head feels like on big purple bruise in some areas.
It took Parker a looong couple of seconds to notice my head. He knew that I was going to lose my hair. I told him that the doctor is making me take medicine that is really hard to take and it would make my hair fall out. Once he noticed, he smiled and said, “your hair fell out.” I told him that I have a lot of hats to wear and he was wondering why I wasn’t going to wear a wig. Of course I wanted him to feel comfortable with me when we go out, so I actually thought getting a wig would remedy that. The truth is that he really doesn’t care. He likes the hats and I did make a compromise, I have a half wig that covers the crown of my head and leaves the top of my head uncovered. This is to wear with hats. I actually like it and it is totally my style. All the wigs seemed to perfect and I didn’t feel like myself no matter what kind of wig I tried on. But, in the back of my mind it would be really cool to have a super long blond wig. Ryne and Amanda have been through this before. I wore a scarf the whole time. They don’t care what I wear on my head either. I was so worried about making little change that I forgot my kids love me for me and not for my hair, duh. They just want me to get better.
Today, I put makeup on. It is something I barely ever do. I believe I should keep doing it though because I makes me feel good to look pretty.
Below are some pictures of the process and a small modeling show of some of my hats.
P.S. Cancer doesn’t control who I am, it controls how people treat me. I am still me.
They say that we all go through grief stages in different orders. I know I was angry and I projected that anger at my family. The stupid part about this is that I was stupid enough to project my anger on my fifteen-year-old son who is already hormonal and angry. Now that is a lose/lose situation. It’s okay, I know it’s funny, go ahead and laugh with me. I would wake up angry at my husband and for that matter some other people. Anger takes control of your body so much that you lose the ability to think in a productive manor.
You know what else I did; I shook my fist in the air and looked up towards the sky, as if to blame God. Why would I do that? My heart knows that God does not create illness. God is a healer. Healers do not create illness. However, there were all those plagues in the Old Testament. However, then he also removed the plagues after some sort of repentance was made. He made every living thing. I cannot help it; I refuse to believe that God created illness. He created every living thing on the earth and very long time ago then gave man dominion over the earth. Man became worldly and stopped keeping dominion over the earth. Humanity stopped caring. Humanity polluted the earth. The pollution cause humans devolve and our DNA changed. I think a better way to put it is it broke. Humans are broken and it is our own fault. It is our own fault that there is sickness and disease in the world. It is probably why so many people want to live in communes away from society.
I bargained as well. My example of bargaining is when I started to believe I should have listened to the first opinion the first time cancer came back. If I had done the first opinion, I would not have cancer again. Also, I was in a lot of pain for a couple months before I called my oncologist. I thought it was from training for a triathlon. I finally called my doctor and he thought the same. I am sure it was because just three months before, I was clear. Just another reason I was mad at myself for not contacting someone sooner. If pain is persistent, does not go away, non-stop, it is time to have someone take care of you. It is time to remove the pain. Actually, that is probably a generic life lesson that can be applied to any thing.
I most definitely dealt with depression. It took me a while to realize I was depressed. A good sign that you may be depressed is the fact that you are angry at everyone and everything. My lesson from depression is that, depression is not something to be ashamed of. It is real and sometimes you just have no control; can’t get yourself into a happy place. It is completely responsible to get therapy and medicine.
Right now, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with reality. They say you can’t live in the past and you don’t know the future and you’re supposed to live in the present. The truth is; the present is reality. My reality is I have cancer for the third time. I know this is odd to say, but the type of cancer I have has the highest survival rate and the most medicine available. So, since I have breast cancer, I guess I am glad it is that one. Even though it seems odd to say, I am “glad” about it.
I am in shock. I am in denial, which means I am having trouble dealing with reality. Reality is the present. I am having a hard time living in the present and find myself in the future and that is a very scary place. I tell you what set this off just one hour ago. My husband and I were talking about our investment portfolio. We recently, decided to get it really straightened out and really understand what we will do with our money. First page your planning objectives; plan for a premature death, proper distribution after death, fund children’s educations, sufficient resources when retired, guarantee insurability for your children, allocate expenses consistent with goals, provide terms when needed for long term care. WHAT? Plan for a premature death? I’m already feeling bad about this. Going forward, I noticed the ages on all the graphs, going all the way up to 96+. I found myself looking at much earlier ages and it freaked me out. Why would I assume that my life would end 30 years earlier than my husband’s? Freaking Cancer! What is wrong with me? Am I in denial? I think so.
I am sure I am not at acceptance. It’s is because I am in shock. It’s because I am not calm about the situation. This cancer is completely operable. This means there are still many medicines that could work. God’s will that the one I am taking works. In the past, as soon as I started to feel better; first physically, then mentally. My faith changed and I started the acceptance phase and I became calm because my hope was greatly restored.
Feeling kind of bummed out today. I’m an open book and it’s no secret that I struggle with life issues. I wonder, why. I’ve had trouble making good decisions. I’ve made great decisions. All with a struggle. Because of this, I’ve caused myself to be surrounded by people who tell me everything I do wrong and fail to tell me what I do right. This type of person, loves to make me feel less than they are and I often wonder if I am ever going to be good enough. I know I’m good enough for myself but, for the others, not so much. It makes me really sad and frustrated. Yes, I’m hurt. Now, as I write this, I’m left wondering if I’m really the one that has it all together and they are the ones that need to straighten up. These are the types of people who cause undo stress. Honestly, I wonder if these people are cancer “causers”. I’m tired of this type of person. It’s my fault too. This is all my fault. I let it happen and I don’t know how to escape from this dilemma because it isn’t that easy. For the past several years, I’ve made new friendships with wonderful people who do encourage me and always tell me they love me and for that I thank cancer. Cancer always makes me see people’s true colors. It always gives me strength to stand up for myself and not let those petty people hurt me anymore.
Thinking about spiritual people.
A common factor of highly spiritual people; a past experience that causes pain. It isn’t the pain that causes the person to become spiritual either. It is the process of moving past the pain and into the present; it is learning to realize that the pain in only temporary but the spirit within last forever. Once a person deals with the pain, the pain diminishes and then the mind, body, and spirit become aligned.That is what being whole is about. I’m not talking about religion. I’m talking about the true essence of feeling whole.
Listening is another common factor that highly spiritual people have. They listen with their heart. Listening requires validating and understanding. Listening requires opening your heart and letting go of all the thoughts that cross your mind, in order to truly hear what another person is saying. It is the first step in loving one another. It is letting go of what you think, and holding on to what you feel.
God didn’t give us a brain to outsmart people and he didn’t give us a heart that doesn’t feel. He gave us a brain so we can control our body and a heart so we can communicate.
Listening with your heart puts us in a state of love. That is what a highly spiritual person is, a state of love.
Judging another’s humanity is not what humans are supposed to do. Not one human is the same, not even a belief system. It is because we all have different experiences.
Humans are good. Look at each other as precious living spirits, without judgment.
After peeling away the layers, there is nothing left but a human being.
After all the corruption, or the mean words they may have said, and after all the ugliness a person spewed out into the world, and after peeling away all the layers, what do we have left? A child like persona, a real person without faults and without a corrupt ego, a person who is not mean or nasty, someone with a loving heart, the true human spirit.
Peel away the layers of others and look deep inside their souls to find the true identity of a person, someone who is holy and divine.
Look away! Look past egos and find inner beauty. Every human in the world has an inner beauty that is remarkably kind and gentle. How we react to different experiences is what causes the layers and makes humans hard and hard to crack.
Let your outer shell crack so others can see the softness in your heart. Let others see your love.
Look past the outer layers of your brothers and sisters and always know that humans have the potential of making choices that affect others in positive ways, even though you may not agree at that time.
Not seeing a person’s inner beauty is what judging is about. The more humans judge the more humans are judged. It is a vicious cycle that human spirits are not meant to carry. When we choose to judge others are spirits begin to hurt and we believe that we are better. Believing we are better than another person is not what the spirit can handle.
Our spirits are meant to love, to take on the burdens of others in need, and to bring peace in to the world. Human spirits are meant to be equal with each other and living in harmony.
I feel it is time to start listening to ourselves. Did you know that your brain knows the answer to questions, responds to touch, etc. 7 seconds before you act on a given situation? That’s why many of us will say, “I knew that would happen or I knew I should have said something else.”
If we take the time to chill and listen to our bodies we would know the answers to life’s most complicated questions. Should I move, am I doing the right things…If we would take the time to listen to ourselves we would be in a much better situation. Instead our ego’s get in the way.
Let’s face it, our ego thinks it knows the best for us and it never does. The smartest individuals have learned to ignore their ego and take time to listen to their bodies and make cool, clear, calm decisions. I am horrible at this. I listen to my ego more often than not and more than likely it causes a bunch of headache for every single person involved. Mastering ego is one of the hardest things to learn in life. I feel that if we all try to move past our ego’s, a little bit at a time, every day, we would be so much happier.
It is hard to strip away ego. We were taught from a very young age to ‘grow up’. Unfortunately, speeding up this process has made us all ‘hard on the outside’. Our tendencies are combat, instead of love. Defense, instead of a team player. I’m not saying we are always in ‘ego’ mode. I believe ego causes problems. Ego causes us to live with doubt and fear. It causes us to believe we are never wrong. Choosing ego causes us to live in a world that our souls are not meant to bear.
God gave us all free agency and when we listen to our ego we choose the wrong because it is based on our will. When we wait, chill out, and listen to our inner voice, we choose the right, because it is based on God’s will. Slow down and choose the right. My hope is that, you as the reader of this blog, find happiness in your choices. Live happy.
the pain in my heart
it is hard to let go
many things happened
and I cannot grow
if only I’d give myself
the gift of remission
my heart could heal
relieving this condition
forgiving is personal
for my heart and soul
no one else is waiting
my ego is in control
i must give the power
back to my creator
stop living in the past
stop being a traitor
forgiveness sees no sin
there are no records of wrong
it is time to let go
move back where I belong
it feels good to be free
uplifted and light
my ego released
freed from my plight
there is power in now
and forgetting the past
my smile shines bright
I am free at last