My hair was falling out in chunks because of chemotherapy. I was sleeping in chunks. It was getting very aggravating. I was wearing a black Pink Floyd shirt and all you could see was a bunch of blond hairs stuck to the front and back of the shirt. My pillow had chunks of hair on it. I would wake up to scratch my head and clumps of hair would fall out in my hand. It was 2am and I wanted a buzz cut. But, I waited until the morning. At 6 am I got the clippers out. My husband got a chair and he gave me a buzz cut. The first swipe was my bangs and my lower lip started to quiver. the second swipe over the top and my lip quivered more with little tears in my eyes. The third swipe and I couldn’t help but frown. But, my big girl voice took off and I told myself, it is not forever, don’t cry, suck it up, it is going to be okay. Losing my hair can be quite devastating. The feelings of sadness went away and I decided that it is just another part of my life to get through and it stopped bothering me. My head was buzzed. This to shall pass. I still have very short hair and blotches of no hair. My head feels like on big purple bruise in some areas.
It took Parker a looong couple of seconds to notice my head. He knew that I was going to lose my hair. I told him that the doctor is making me take medicine that is really hard to take and it would make my hair fall out. Once he noticed, he smiled and said, “your hair fell out.” I told him that I have a lot of hats to wear and he was wondering why I wasn’t going to wear a wig. Of course I wanted him to feel comfortable with me when we go out, so I actually thought getting a wig would remedy that. The truth is that he really doesn’t care. He likes the hats and I did make a compromise, I have a half wig that covers the crown of my head and leaves the top of my head uncovered. This is to wear with hats. I actually like it and it is totally my style. All the wigs seemed to perfect and I didn’t feel like myself no matter what kind of wig I tried on. But, in the back of my mind it would be really cool to have a super long blond wig. Ryne and Amanda have been through this before. I wore a scarf the whole time. They don’t care what I wear on my head either. I was so worried about making little change that I forgot my kids love me for me and not for my hair, duh. They just want me to get better.
Today, I put makeup on. It is something I barely ever do. I believe I should keep doing it though because I makes me feel good to look pretty.
Below are some pictures of the process and a small modeling show of some of my hats.
P.S. Cancer doesn’t control who I am, it controls how people treat me. I am still me.
Day 1 of 6th round of chemo.
As most of you know I write a lot. I was looking back at some of my spirals notebooks, My first thought is,”What? Holy Moly! I wrote that?” I apparently am an inspiration to myself and didn’t even know it. It is as if, I read what I wrote in the past and I can’t stop reading. All I can think is, I need to write a book because this is good stuff.
I don’t even remember writing some of the stuff. It is as if I am reading it for the first time. It is breath taking some of the things I write. I find myself with my hand over my heart as I read. Literally breathtaking.
Writing was never meant for me. I always have others in mind. I just assumed none of this was for me. But it was. It was for me and everyone. I have a hard time thinking that I can actually make a difference. I just wanted everyone else to realize that they can make a difference.
I’m not trying to be boastful, I am more surprised at myself. I really am my own inspiration. It is as if I never truly believed that I have the capability of being inspirational. People tell me I am. But, I had to figure it out myself to believe it.
Honestly, sometimes I even say, “I couldn’t have wrote that, that wasn’t me.It is in my own hand writing yet I will even close the notebook and examine the front to make sure it is mine.
I often wonder; are these words a compilation of letters to myself reminding me that inspiration begins with a good thought. It is amazing, what just a little inspiration can do. Just one person, can make a difference and that person could be you or me.
Have an inspirational day. ~Jenny
This morning I went for a walk. On my walk, there is one little tree that I love to see. I am tree lover. As a child, spending my time in a tree or surrounded by trees and a creek were normal. This is the luxury of growing up in upstate NY, beautiful trees. Anyway, while I was walking I saw this one little tree on the side of the road and I stopped walking. I walked up to the tree, and removed my head phones then rested for a moment.
I looked into the woods and felt drawn to take a small hike. Walking through the tall, wet grass, I saw the budding branches and heard the brown leaves crunch under my feet. The sun shined through the trees. There were fallen trees that I jumped either on or over depending on my next step. I jumped on a moss covered fallen tree and caught my balance. Then stepped down on another fallen tree. Then walked up a grassy opening and up a small hill to a small fallen branch that was big enough to make a comfortable seat. Then I sat.
I am a (in a low, slow voice) deep thinker. As I sat there, I looked around. Trees surrounded me. It was a circle of trees. Everything was extremely green. I kept thinking about life in general.
As I turned my head, I saw a single purple flower growing about fifteen feet away. Are not we all like the purple flower? It sprouts beauty from its roots and its outward appearance is beautiful.
I like to look at the flip side of things. The beauty of the flower is amazing but not all beauty is good. So many people see beauty as an outward appearance. It very sad. Looking at the flower with a mind that beauty is strictly an outward appearance will make you realize how shallow the thought really is. No matter how pretty or handsome you are, there is no beauty unless you can truly show it from the inside out. Again, we are beautiful but if our inner beauty is not, the beauty on the outside is a waste. Plants have it easy. Their roots are in solid ground, therefore their beauty shows. I think we should all be more like the purple flower. Find your foundation and stick to it. Shine with beauty from your roots to your exterior. It’s elementary my dears.
While I was sitting on the log in the center of all the trees, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining, and the birds were chirping. A small voice inside me said, “You have a lot of faith.” The extent of my faith is probably a little ridiculous to some, but that may play a part in how logical a person may be. I, on the other hand, walk with faith and can be illogical. That’s okay because logic does not play a huge part in spirituality. Your state of consciousness does, not emotions.
Okay I have to explain this difference between state of the mind and emotions. So here it goes. There is a difference between the state of consciousness and emotions. You are in a state of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. FIRST, one recognizes the state of love. SECOND, love fuels the emotion of happy. You own your state of being. You control your emotions. Emotions fuel your actions. The state one is in fuel emotions. For example the state of joy sends emotions of happiness so you want to jump up and down. Faithfulness gives courage and courage gives to actions of courage. Actually, all of these states should give you happiness and elation and courage and whatever else is good.
On the flip side, the state of conscious of hate, misery, chaos, impatience, animosity, wickedness, dishonesty, thoughtlessness, and agitation; bring on the emotions of unhappiness and depression and fear. This is where it gets difficult. These types of states come from our ego. If we do not categorize these as just or unjust, then our emotions get the best of us. When a state of being is brought on by either inside or outside forces, we should ‘take a break’ before we allow our bodies to feel a negative emotion. We all know how negative emotions can disrupt our lives.
Okay, back to sitting on the log. I believe that God will carry me through my weakest moments and rejoice with me in my greatest moments. Even though, I have cancer AGAIN, God is rejoicing with me because AGAIN I chose to show faithfulness which makes me happy and gives me courage. I chose joy and I can feel joy running through my veins and in my soul. I know that I am going to be okay because there is nothing, absolutely nothing in me that thinks otherwise…..except fear. My weakest moment. Keep reading.
When I was done sitting in the woods, I stood up. Everything in me told me to go forward and finish my walk but my ego told me to go back the way I came and be safe because I already knew the terrain. I started to walk back the way I came.
Then I stopped. I turned around and went forward. I listened to my gut and went the way I should. It was easier to walk through, and low and behold a dirt path led me back to the road. The lesson there is that we cannot go back the way we came. It is redundant. We must move forward and move with the flow. There is no sense in living in the past. I have a bad habit of doing that.
Once I got back to the road, I was feeling enlightened/elated, then funniest thing happened. The station I was listening to was Pandora’s 80’s hits. I put my head phones back in my ears and the chorus to What A Feeling by Irene Cara was playing. It went like this:
What a feeling.
I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life.
Take your passion
and make it happen.
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life.
That is (sing it) AWESOME!
Does cancer cause chaos, impatience, agitation? Um, let me think here…YES! This is what cancer does. It puts you on an emotional roller coaster and it is really hard to get off. As I was finishing my walk, the word ‘fear’ started repeating in my mind. I immediately went to a place that can be scary at times. My fear stems from impatience and chaos. I’m sure of it. Cancer is a waiting game. Is the medicine going to work? Am I going to die? Am I going to live? Will I need chemo? How many types of medicine will I have to go through before nothing works anymore? Someone tell me the answers!!! What will happen to my kids? Will they remember me? Should I make video’s for them? Should I write special letters to them? Will it hurt to die? Will I die peacefully…probably not. I’m pretty sure that dying from cancer is agonizing. All these questions cause chaos in my body. Especially because they come at me all at once. You want the answers and you want them now. I literally had convinced myself that the cancer was going to spread through my body and my life was going to be cut short. Honestly, this happens often.
Back to walking. I stopped in the middle of the road and prayed silently. I looked up at the sky. I asked God to help me and he did. The chaos and fear went away. When I pray, I don’t hope God will help me. I know God will help me. I pray with faith. It’s common that humans pray with hope that God will answer their prayers. But, no one ever said that hope moves mountains. Faith move mountains. Just as I said earlier. HE carries me in my weakest moments. He lifted my spirit and again made me realize my fear and I was able to put that fear in the category called “garbage can”. As this was happening the song Total Eclipse of The Hear by Bonnie Tyler was playing. I heard:
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
But then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart
I turned around and looked at where I’ve been. Then I turned back around and looked at where I was going and I let the past go.